Gentle parenting is broadly understood in a popular sense and may be practiced by different parents in different ways. Compared with the four best-known parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, uninvolved, and permissive), it is often described as closest to authoritative parenting, as well as other variations on this style like respectful parenting, intentional parenting, or mindful parenting. However, it is distinct in a number of ways. Gentle parenting’s opposition to sleep training, for example, is shared by attachment parents, while authoritative parents may point to the lack of evidence the practice is harmful and their need for a good night’s rest.

The term gentle parenting was coined in 2015 by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in The Gentle Sleep Book (Piatkus, Mar 2015). Ms. Ockwell-Smith then went on to write three other ‘gentle’ books: The Gentle Parenting Book (Piatkus, Rev.Ed., Apr 2023), The Gentle Eating Book (Piatkus, Mar 2018), and The Gentle Potty Training Book (Piatkus, Oct 2017). Despite how prolific she’s been in writing about this style, she rejects the notion that she invented it. According to a September 2023 post on her website, she simply articulates what parents “did for centuries naturally before so-called experts came along and told them they were doing everything wrong.” Be that as it may, she is still the author who defines gentle parenting as a style in her work and is most frequently associated with it.

In narrow terms, gentle parenting involves recognising your child as an individual, validating their feelings and opinions, and disciplining mindfully, role modelling, and setting respectful boundaries to shape behaviour you’d like to see. It focusses on teaching and learning instead of punishing and rewarding and encourages consistent communication with your child.

Each generation of parents struggles with which parenting style is best for them, and critics of gentleness express concern that it is too indulgent and close to permissive parenting, lacking the simple routines and rules required to allow a child to flourish in real-life situations. As this parenting style is so new—even if elements of it existed before—it is difficult to look at the evidence for following it to the letter, even if you feel you know how to do this. Instead, let's look at some means of practicing it that you may like to adapt for your own parenting.

Calm yourself before addressing conflicts with your child.

This is easier said than done, we know, especially if you’re in public, but it’s important to recognise that your communication with your child isn’t just verbal. Even small children are capable of inferring anger and distress from your facial expressions and body language.

Consider the “seven Cs” of gentle parenting.

The seven Cs of gently parenting, as defined by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in The Gentle Parenting Book, are:

Connection: Gentle parents believe that a lack of connection is responsible for a variety of behavioural issues in children. In the short term, connection is important for establishing a child’s need so that you can respond appropriately, while a chronic lack of connection can damage your bond over time and compound problems.
Communication: Open communication with your child is a vital part of gentle parenting, as you need to seek their active participation to enforce boundaries and implement routines. This ‘C’ also refers to the mindful non-verbal communication we touched on above. What is your child telling you with their behaviour? What are you communicating with your body language towards them?
Control: Unlike authoritarian parents, for whom this ‘C’ would surely be about controlling their child’s behaviour, this ‘C’ is about recognising that children have very little control over their existence, from where and how they live to their education. Involving them in their own care, on the other hand, can instill a sense of responsibility as well as feelings of love and trust.
Containment: babies and young children cannot regulate their emotions neurologically. This is a biological fact and not their fault, so it should not be met with admonishment or punishment. Instead, gentle parents believe that adults should act as the external regulators—particularly for a child’s very strong or “big” feelings—until they are capable of doing this themselves. There is no universal time or milestone birthday by which this should happen, and Ms. Ockwell-Smith points out that it can take longer than society expects. Of course, parents are human beings who cannot contain their own emotions at times. It is important to acknowledge your own humanity and take time to compose yourself or reach out for support if necessary.
Champion: “Every child needs a champion” is an expression favoured not just by gentle parents but also by former US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. If you’ve subscribed to Unii since preconception or pregnancy, or simply committed to making the most informed decisions you could while you were expecting, then congratulations—you've been their champion since before they were born! Being a child’s champion as a gentle parent simply means making your child feel seen and helping them understand that you are always on their side. They need to understand that you are there to listen, even if what they tell you will make you angry or upset, and work with them to make things right.
Confidence: This ‘C’ is about role-modelling confidence for your child and having confidence in your child. A gentle parent is confident, surrounds themselves with like-minded people, and makes peace with any negative feelings they have about how they were parented. They also believe in their child’s ability to grow and complete tasks as most of us do—by practicing—and so do not rush to complete a puzzle, button a shirt, or finish putting away toys when a child is trying to demonstrate that they can do this alone.
Consistency: Children trust in and thrive on routines—all of Unii’s experts agree that consistency is key to everything from healthy sleep to family mealtimes. Flexibility is also important, of course, especially in recognition of a child’s unanticipated need, but responding to your child’s needs and behaviours consistently helps reinforce boundaries, as well as feelings of safety and trust.

Consistency can be one of the greatest obstacles to committing to a particular parenting style, as parenting is a dynamic process that requires you and your child to adapt to circumstances you can’t always control. As in all our parenting style articles, Unii wishes to remind you that parenting style guides are not law and you should take from them what is most useful to your family when you need it.

Gentle discipline means communicating clear boundaries, never exacting punishment or shame.

Discipline is a controversial topic among those who write about parenting styles. Those who favour a more traditional or authoritarian approach contend that gentle parenting—with its respect for and petitioning of the needs and views of our little ones—creates entitlement in children, as well as confusion about respecting the adults in their lives as authority figures and even role models. On the other hand, for gentle discipline, Sarah Ockwell-Smith suggests:

A parent seeks to understand the reason for a child’s poor behaviour through full and open communication, empathises with them, gets down to their eye level, and describes the behaviour they do want to see instead of what they do not.
Gentle parents never trivialise a child’s feelings but name them and reassure the child that it’s OK to feel them.
Gentle parents also consistently role model good behaviour and do not care (or at least do not show they care) what others think about their child’s behaviour or how they choose to discipline their child.

Respond to your child’s tantrums with SENSE

In an ideal world (even a gentle one), we could prevent tantrums through chatting with our children and staying consistent with their feeding, sleeping, and other routines so their mood is always well-regulated. However, in the real world, gentle parents need a tool to deal with an unexpected outburst, and Sarah Ockwell-Smith recommends the acronym SENSE to remember the following steps.

Safety: Ensure a child having a tantrum (and those around them) are safe by moving them away from breakable objects or anything likely to cause them harm.

Empathy: Try to understand your child’s point of view (extra points if you can do this aloud), so they feel heard and understood.

Name: Name what you think they must be feeling out loud, perhaps in the form of questions if you are seeking confirmation. The mere fact of having this identified may calm them down and has the added benefit of teaching them language they can use to confidently articulate their feelings in the future.

Support: As mentioned above, small children can’t self-regulate themselves very well, and traditional punishments like time-outs, which assume they know how to calm themselves down, aren’t the approach a gentle parent takes. Instead, they act as the external regulator, approaching a child with hugs if they seem open to this or simply offering them when needed if not.

Exchange: This means offering your child a similar option to the one that is unacceptable to you, which can have the added benefit of distracting them from their outburst almost immediately. A traditional parent may perceive this as simply giving into a child or allowing them to dominate you, and following rules is part of life. However, a gentle parent might counter that many of life’s successes—both professional and personal—come through daily compromise and negotiation. Therefore, in teaching a child that win-win is an option, they’ve imparted a valuable lesson that, in the long run, won’t cause their child to rebel against or keep secrets from them.

Of course, all of this is dependent on some form of “exchange” being readily available to you, which might not always be the case. As we’ve mentioned, consistently maintaining a parenting style doesn’t always suit the dynamics of real life. However, when dealing with a tantrum, a calm expression of your own perspective after you’ve named and empathised with your child’s may be enough.

For more information on supporting your child’s health and development, check out Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey video course with Dr. Nisha Patel.

Parenting Styles: What is gentle parenting?

This parenting style is increasingly popular among Millennials