Helicopter parenting, sometimes called overparenting, is a highly involved parenting style that is criticised for failing to allow children to develop a healthy degree of independence and self-reliance. It demands a lot of parents' time and resources. You may go through phases of this style rather than adopt it consistently throughout your child’s life. Some authors dub this style “first-child syndrome” to describe how every aspect of parenting is dissected and stressed over with a firstborn while many parents are more relaxed about the second child and subsequent children. “Helicopter” is a metaphor for the idea that this type of parent hovers over their child’s every move, monitoring them in some way even when they are not physically present. The term “helicopter parent” may be interpreted as offensive by parents who feel they are appropriately involved in their child’s care, so be careful how you use this term socially.

Where did the term “helicopter parenting” come from?

The term was first used in 1965 by Israeli school teacher, child psychologist and child psychotherapist Dr. Haim G. Ginott in the book Between Parent and Teenager. In 1990, American psychiatrist Dr. Foster W. Kline, M.D., and parenting consultant Jim Fay used the term in the book Parenting with Love and Logic to describe a parenting style that involves rescuing and protecting children from any negative feelings caused by the outside world, making decisions on their behalf, and taking over their responsibilities. They write about this style unfavourably, comparing it to other extreme styles they call Drill Sergeant and Consultant. Drill sergeants tell their children how to feel, behave, and make decisions, while consultants are far more permissive in their parenting. Helicopter parenting/overparenting have been the subject of numerous child development studies. While initially associated with Baby Boomers (parents born between the end of WW2 and the mid-1960s), the style has been adopted by multiple generations, including contemporary parents.

Why is helicopter parenting bad for my child?

Helicopter parenting is not always bad, and in some cases, such as when a child is ill or still gaining confidence in managing a disability, it may be entirely necessary. Further, where a child has no siblings or just one, it is understandable that parents would seek a higher degree of involvement in their life. Some studies suggest there is a relationship between helicopter parenting and anxiety and depression in adulthood, especially where a parent’s behaviour is very controlling. Personality and psychological issues, including perfectionism and self-entitlement, and externalising problems as addictions to substances and social media have also been linked to overparenting.

How do I know if I’m helicopter parenting?

Striking a healthy balance between appropriate involvement in your child’s life and overparenting does not come naturally to everyone. Self-awareness is tough in all aspects of life, and if you are a first-time parent, understanding the correct degree of autonomy for a child can be challenging. One could also argue that giving a child of any age a mobile device means you can monitor them to some extent around the clock, and millions of us are hovering like helicopters in this way. Still, there are some key behaviours that come up in research on this parenting style. To determine whether you are a helicopter parent, you might ask if you are...

…Overprotective of your child?

It’s a scary world out there, and it’s normal to worry about your child’s physical, mental, and emotional safety. Problems arise when you are proactively removing obstacles that they would have to encounter without your help—allowing them to avoid physical education lessons, letting them avoid extroverted children on the school run, or not allowing them to walk distances that other children their age would be allowed to attempt alone.

…Exhibiting controlling behaviour?

This may include everything from monitoring your child’s weight and appearance to a discomfiting degree to choosing their friends and what they choose to pursue in education. Suggestion and encouragement are not the same as exhibiting controlling behaviour, while making it appear as though your happiness and love are dependent on their compliance.

...Overidentifying with your child’s success and failures?

People can be so quick to blame parents for a child’s faults that it’s understandable when some mums and dads tie their own self-worth up in their children’s achievements. It is fair to say that when someone has your genes and you’re raising them, you do play an important role in their successes in life. However, living vicariously through your child is unhealthy for both of you, as well as your parent-child relationship.

…Constantly rescuing your child from any negativity?

Many of us would love to protect our children from any slings and arrows that fortune deals them. While intervening in a school bullying situation is completely appropriate, we can’t shield them from everything. Life isn’t fair, and learning this early will likely benefit your child in the long run.

...Handling responsibilities your child is capable of managing?

Doing your child’s homework or projects for them, cleaning their room, and driving them to places they could easily walk are all examples of overparenting behaviour. Having your child demonstrate that they can handle responsibilities alone is a mark of parenting success, not failure.

How can I stop helicopter parenting?

The most straightforward way to stop helicopter parenting is to allow your child to do more by themselves. This should include age-appropriate activities, responsibilities, social interactions, and homework. Responding when your child asks for help or supervision is fine, but doing things for them will only save you time in the short term. Depending on the extent of your issues, you may also like to speak to someone about any parental anxiety, need to keep your child dependent, or over-identification with your child that you may be feeling.

For more information on supporting your child’s healthy development, check out Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

Parenting Styles: What is helicopter parenting and is it bad for children?

Unii looks at the impact of overparenting on a child's development.