Respectful parenting is a modern variation on positive or authoritative parenting—one of the original parenting styles—that seeks to shape a responsible and emotionally self-regulating child through positive discipline, boundaries, and routine. Respectful parenting rejects childism, defined by psychoanalysts Chester Pierce and Gail Allen as the assumption that any adult is superior to every child, in favour of honouring your child as an individual. In practice, this style of parenting involves allowing children to express their feelings and feel heard, seeking reasons for bad behaviour, and setting healthy boundaries.

Where did respectful parenting originate?

While not a protected term, the concept of respectful parenting is linked to the Californian charity Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), which encourages parents to build better relationships with babies and toddlers through respectful care. According to the charity’s website, creating a culture of authenticity and respect is central to their vision. “Our work is inspired by the natural integrity of infants and the formative power of relationships in their lives. When allowed to unfold in their own way and in their own time, children discover, manifest, and inspire the best in themselves and in others.” RIE was founded in 1978 by Hungarian immigrant Magda Gerber and paediatric neurologist Thomas Forrest. The charity’s “Educaring Approach” to parenting education is based, in part, on what Ms. Gerber learned from a paediatrician in Budapest when she was an overwhelmed young mum. RIE has over 75 associates licensed to teach this approach internationally and has inspired and educated many parenting authors, consultants, and content creators. Its teachings have grown in popularity in the 21st century.

As with all parenting styles, relaxed parenting can be difficult to practice exclusively, but here are some practical steps you can take to embrace this parenting style at home.

Consider consent

How often do you do something to or for your child without asking permission or explanation, maybe to save time, avoid a potential argument, or just without thinking? Imagine how this affects your child’s sense of agency and personal autonomy. There is no need to take this too far—sometimes a small child needs you to offer help with getting dressed or to complete other tasks they are attempting to accomplish independently. The key verbs here are “offer” and “attempt"—you a are showing respect for their personal space by offering rather than imposing assistance, and they have taken the admirable step of having a go by themselves. After they agree to accept help, praise their individual efforts. If they refuse and you have the time (allowing your child time with tasks should be factored into their routines, if possible), you could call them to keep trying until they acknowledge they need help. Another opportunity to ask for consent and practice successful parenting is through changing your child’s nappy while they’re standing up, explaining what you’re doing, and asking for permission as you go.

Seek your child’s opinions.

You are your child’s primary role model and favourite person. How flattered and respected do you feel when they ask for your opinion? Your child will benefit from being allowed to air their views in a safe and loving environment, and you’ll get to learn more about how they see themselves and the world around them, allowing you to provide reassurance and explanation before worries become bigger problems. For a child who is not yet verbal, behavioural cues can be extremely telling, from avoiding playing with a particular child to a reluctance to sit through a particular activity.

Recognise that your child is unique.

Unii’s top pediatrician, Dr. Su Laurent, often reminds parents not to compare their own parenting to that of other parents and not to compare their child to other children. These were also golden rules of parenting espoused by the late child psychoanalyst and paediatrician Donald W. Winnicott. Through respectful parenting, you both recognise your child as an individual and allow them to grow and thrive at their own pace (with regular doctors’ checkups and specialist help where necessary), always reminding them that they are loved and safe.

Support your child’s interests.

Activities in which your child becomes engrossed and even chooses to pursue independently can be illuminating for you to observe as a parent, as well as an opportunity to support multiple facets of their development at once, from gross and fine motor skills to speech, language, and social skills. Encouraging your child’s fascinations and independent play early could lead them to discover a gift that winds up becoming a lifelong talent or even a career opportunity.

Honour your child’s feelings.

According to writer and RIE devotee Janet Lansbury, we do not give in to every negative response a child has, but we do allow them to have their feelings. Anger, upset, embarrassment, and all those other negative emotions are valid and will be a fundamental part of their development. As long as your child’s feelings are not prolonged in a way that concerns you or prompts behaviours that put them or other people at risk, it’s healthy to acknowledge what they’re feeling aloud without conceding anything. On the flipside, when they are happy, celebrating the moment by singing, dancing, and making up funny stories is completely appropriate.

Look at the potential reasons behind disagreements and offer choice.

Resolving an argument is a collaborative process between adults, so isn’t it respectful to take that same approach with your child? The reasons for their disagreement may not seem logical to you, but they are thinking more or less the same thing, so why not get down to their level and try to work things out? After years as an independent adult, it’s easy to forget how frustrating it is to have tasks and trips imposed upon you by others on their schedule and to make gains you don’t really understand when you are three and tired. Talking about how you think your child is feeling and having them confirm allows them to feel heard. You could also practice active listening, as you would in an argument with another adult, to ensure your child feels they’ve fully expressed themselves. Offering them small choices when you cannot give them their way allows them to experience a degree of autonomy and control of their circumstances.

Respectful parenting is not permissive parenting.

Critics and those who are concerned about how their own respectful parenting is progressing may compare it to the worst elements of permissive parenting—lacking in structure, overindulgent, and disorganised—and can take heart from its far stronger similarities to authoritative or positive parenting, which seeks to create warm, well-balanced children who respect others and themselves. Showing them respect from early childhood can be a great way to start.

For more great advice on how you can support your child, check out Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

Parenting Styles: What is respectful parenting?

Unii looks at this fascinating variation on positive parenting.