Waking up in the morning, you wearily pick up your phone and take it off airplane mode. 7 missed calls, 10 unanswered text messages, and 3 unseen Facebook messages. As much as you love your friends, they just don’t get it. After losing your baby at 3 months pregnant, you’re experiencing lots of new, difficult emotions. And you just don’t feel like talking about it.

Processing a miscarriage is one of the hardest things in the world. Like any loss, parents can typically go through a range of distressing, confusing emotions such as depression, guilt, anger, and emptiness. If you are going through a miscarriage or baby loss of any kind, we want you to know that you’re not alone, and that although it may not feel like it now, you WILL get through this period in your life and feel normal and happy once again.

Although you may not know the way forward at the moment, we’re here to help you move towards your recovery by processing your emotions and understanding that everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

Here are some common experiences that parents have when going through a miscarriage, and how to go about dealing with them.

Grief

Grief is a natural and normal part of processing a loss. Although it may feel abnormal and even scary at first, try not to fight it. It is your body’s natural way of expressing feelings of loss and it’s important to let it run its course. Don’t put a time limit on grief either. Remember that there’s no rush and that, unfortunately, there aren’t any shortcuts for getting through these feelings. Everyone will take different lengths of time to recover. Also, remember that your feelings are likely to change over time. For example, your first feelings of shock, disbelief and denial are usually followed by symptoms of severe emotional distress such as anxiety and depression, and perhaps anger, guilt and jealousy as the process continues. Even if you find it hard to express your feelings, doing so can help you to understand and deal with them better.

Depression

It’s common to feel depressed after experiencing the initial grief. A lot of people think that being depressed simply means you’re ‘sad’, but it is a lot more complicated than that. You may be tired and lethargic, irritable, have little energy and have no desire to get on with things. You may also experience headaches, aches, pains, and changes in your appetite or sleeping patterns. Depression can pass on its own accord, but there’s no telling whether it will last weeks or months. If you experience this symptom, it’s important to recognise that you need some help and proceed by telling your doctor. They will be able to suggest a bereavement counsellor, or potentially medication.

Guilt

It’s extremely common for parents to feel guilt and self-blame after a miscarriage or baby loss. Although this feeling is very understandable, it’s important to remember that it’s highly unlikely you did anything to cause the problem. There is no denying that having a miscarriage is bitterly disappointing, but try to be kind to yourself and remember that this time will pass. The quicker you start liking yourself, the quicker a new, successful pregnancy will happen for you.

Your partner’s grief

The partner of the parent who has had the miscarriage often finds themselves in a very difficult position. They have to watch the person they love go through horrendous physical and emotional pain, and this can lead to feelings of anger, fear, and helplessness. Even if your partner finds it difficult to express their feelings, encourage them to not keep their emotions bottled up. For some couples, pregnancy loss can bring them closer together. Unfortunately for others, this event can trigger feelings of resentment and guilt. Always seek help from a counsellor if you find yourselves in this position.

Telling your children

Children are very perceptive, and however much you might have tried to hide the pain of the miscarriage from them, they will most certainly have noticed something is wrong. Although it’s natural to want to protect them, it’s important to tell them about the baby and how you feel. Try to answer their questions honestly, and reassure them that you love them and want to be close to them, even if you feel distressed. If your children find it difficult to talk about their emotions regarding this situation, give them time, love, and support, and encourage them to share how they feel.

Dealing with other people and their reactions

Dealing with others’ reactions to your miscarriage can be one of the hardest things about the event. Remember that people mean well, but they are often so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they don’t say anything at all. While some women want to talk to their friends about the miscarriage, others might feel that it’s too painful to discuss the subject at all. Whatever category you fall into, try to be open to the idea that you might find enormous relief from expressing your feelings of sadness to your friends.

Processing a miscarriage

It's nothing anyone can tell you how to do, says Unii.