In today’s world, jokes are still thrown around about ‘eating your feelings’. While many people will laugh, think nothing of it and move on to the next topic of conversation, the relationship between food and feelings is a significant one. Emotional eating is so normalised that we don’t often stop to give much conscious thought to this issue.

But when you become a parent, as you know, things change. With a young child in the age bracket of 3-5, it’s especially important to take time to learn about the emotional relationship children can develop with food, and how rewarding or punishing their behaviour with food can shape their future.

So, let’s start with why some people reward their children with food.

Why reward children with food?

In many families, it’s standard practice to reward or incentivise with food. Childminders, carers, and teachers might use sweets to congratulate a child for good behaviour or recognise their achievements. At home, some parents treat their children to soda or candy as treats for “good behaviour”, or offer sugary desserts as a bribe to coerce them into finishing their dinner.

On the surface, it’s easy to see why this might feel like a quick solution to getting your child to behave the way you want them to. But over time, this reinforces a strong association in children’s minds that approval is marked by eating something sweet and that food ultimately equals love. This association is only strengthened by seeing adults use food to express or withhold love. If a child sees that food can have an emotional currency when they are young, this can affect them profoundly and create a pathway to an association of food with feelings about the self.

When it comes to food and children, self-regulation is really important. The goal is for a child to eat in response to their body’s cues, not in response to their emotions or their external achievements. If a child learns that food is given to them when they have done something well, or held back to symbolise disappointment, they may begin to miss or ignore natural signals from their body that tell them when to eat and when they are full.

Now that we’ve learnt about the reasons why rewarding with food should be avoided, let’s explore some healthier ways of rewarding your child:

What are some healthy, creative ways to reward my child?

Recognising your child’s achievements is really important, as it boosts their self-esteem and gives them the confidence they need to journey through life with courage and determination to succeed. There are many ways to reward children without relying on food. For example:

Let your child sit in a special chair or cushion for the day. They will be proud of the status they feel in this situation.

Give your child a special job such as being the ‘snack monitor’ for the day.

Let them choose a non-food prize such as a colouring book or a new teddy bear.

Put a poster on their wall celebrating their achievement.

There are endless examples of ways in which you can recognise your child’s good behaviour without using food.

However, it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with giving your child a small edible treat as part of a special occasion or celebration like Christmas or Diwali - as that doesn’t have the same connection as “doing what my parent wants equals food”.

Remember, when it comes to your children, it’s all about balance.

Now let’s take a look at ways some parents ‘punish’ children with food.

Why do some people ‘punish’ children with food?

Like ‘discipline’, ‘punishment’ is often thought of as an old-fashioned concept, something we might prefer not to think about in relation to our children. But just as it’s tempting to offer food as a reward, it’s easy to hold food back as a way to express disapproval or disappointment.

For example, a parent might say to their child, “you can’t have chocolate like the rest of the group, because you were mean to your friend’’, or “you’ll go to bed without dinner”.

Punishments and sanctions like this are an attempt to control a child’s behaviour by giving or withholding our love through food, something they understand. They are often used as a last resort to get the results we want from our children but can have detrimental lasting effects. As tempting as these punishments may be, it’s better to think longer-term about what you want for your children and get a little more creative.

Although food and emotions are tied together for many people as they go through life, it’s crucial to take the right steps to ensure your child doesn’t confuse them. Approaching rewards and punishment more positively means avoiding using food to reward or punish our children in order to give them a healthier and happier life in the future.

Should I reward or punish my child with food?

Food should not be a disciplinary tool, says Unii.