Your children – the naughty rascals – are in the middle of a passionate argument. The older one, who struggles to share, is upset because their younger brother keeps on playing with their stuffed animals and refusing to give them back. The younger, who wants to do just about everything their older sister does and hasn’t quite learnt the concept of mine and yours, doesn’t see the problem.

Initially, you decide to leave them to it, hoping they’ll come to a happy conclusion on their own, but when you hear their shouting get louder and louder, you know a fight’s about to ensue. And sure enough, when you hurry into the living room, you find your little one tugging at their sister's hair while she screams in anger.

This sort of thing has been happening rather a lot recently, but as much as you lecture and use time-outs, nothing seems to do the trick. And after a particularly violent fight, you’re left wondering, What else can I try? Perhaps withdrawing certain privileges will work?

And to that, we say, good idea! But it must be done correctly and to do that we’ll first have to explore what we mean exactly by the withdrawal of privileges.

What do we mean when we talk about withdrawing privileges?

When we refer to the withdrawal of privileges as a disciplinary method, we’re talking about the removal, or threat of removal, of something your child wants or enjoys to encourage good behaviour and discourage misbehaviour. For example, “If you ride your bike into the road again, you’ll lose your bike for the rest of the day.”

But does this method really work?

Why does withdrawing privileges work?

For younger children especially, it’s not always easy to understand why a behaviour is inappropriate, or that there are consequences to their actions. However, if they can associate the behaviour or consequence with the withdrawal of something they really want, it’s easier for them to attach meaning to their actions. This works for adults too. When an adult is caught drunk driving, they lose the privilege of their licence, so it acts as a deterrent and keeps people safe.

On top of this, you can never truly run out of privileges to be withdrawn because there’s always something children want, whether that be TV time or a brand-new toy.

So, now let’s find out how to go about introducing the withdrawal of privileges.

How can I effectively use withdrawal of privileges as a disciplinary technique?

Pre-agree and explain the withdrawal of privileges with your kids. Sit your kids down and outline the behaviours you expect (not the ones you don’t) of them in a kind but matter-of-fact manner. Then let them know that an exciting part of being a parent is granting your kids lots of entertaining privileges so they can have a ton of fun! But for those privileges to pan out, children need to hold up their end of the bargain and behave as expected. At this point, it’s worth providing them with an example.

Give warnings. Give one or two warnings before removing a privilege so that your child has a chance to behave more appropriately and use countdowns. For example, “Let go of your sister’s hair or there’s no more TV for the rest of the day. I’ll give you three seconds. One. Two. Three.” Pause between each second but avoid threats, as these invite room for challenges. Always try to remember that a negative approach sets a child up to disobey because they feel this is the expectation.

Your child must connect the privilege withdrawal with the behaviour. For this method to really work, your little one needs to understand why a privilege has been withdrawn. So explain verbally, and do so clearly and concisely.

Don’t withdraw necessities. Necessities like food, drink and exercise must not be removed, only privileges.

Should I withdraw privileges to discipline my child?

How effective is withdrawal of privileges as a discipline strategy?