Never before have we been inundated by so many images, offerings and messages telling us that happiness is sourced outside of ourselves; our happiness lies in money, clothes, pretty Instagram filters and meaningless “stuff”. Billion-dollar industries literally thrive from our feelings of inadequacy and, in turn, perpetuate these feelings by telling us we need to be more and have more. It’s as if our economy relies on our feelings of “not-enoughness” to survive!

So if you find that you often compare yourself to others, just remember that societal messaging is encouraging comparison.

When your self-esteem is low, it’s almost impossible to see the world as it really is and instead, you see the world through the lens of what you are thinking and believing about yourself. Now here’s a not-so-fun fact: When you feel bad about yourself, social media makes it worse. If you feel like you’re failing at motherhood, you will see everything through that lens. Seeing a fit-looking mother running through a sunflower field holding her joyous baby is enough to confirm your worst fear; “I suck, and I’m a rubbish mother.”

We are especially vulnerable to comparison and inadequacy when we see someone thriving in areas that we believe we are failing in. What’s more, when our self-esteem isn’t at its best, we aren’t exactly pros at giving ourselves soothing advice either.

But before we take a look at ways you can stop comparing yourself to others, we’d like to share with you a few things about social media.

What do we need to realise about social media?

Social media in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. It helps friends and family stay connected, gives people a voice, supports business endeavours and is responsible for providing new important information. But social media, if it’s not used with awareness, can pose a lot of problems:

It’s addictive. Due to the impact it has on our brains, social media is both physically and psychologically addictive. Research shows that the part of our brain that ignites when using social media is the same part that also lights up when taking an addictive substance. When a person experiences something rewarding or takes drugs, neurons in the “reward” part of the brain are activated, giving you a dopamine hit that feels pleasurable. This means that every time you use social media, the brain receives a “reward” and associates it with positive reinforcement.
FOMO (fear of missing out). Especially when you’re a new mama with a limited social life, it’s very easy to understand why you’d like to stay connected with what’s going on in the outside world. But if you keep checking social media because you’re afraid you’re going to miss out on something, it can cause anxiety and fuel a sense of isolation and loneliness.

What you see on social media is not the full picture. Even the most natural, unfiltered picture is still an incomplete depiction of reality. It is merely a snapshot of a moment without knowing the full story.

Causes body image issues. With photoshop and all the many face-changing filters out there, it’s no wonder people feel a constant dissatisfaction with their own lives and appearances.
Fuels your need for other people's approval. When you keep feeding the urge to get validation from others in the form of likes, comments and messages, then you continue to rely on the external world to feel worthy and good enough.
Promotes the belief that your self-worth is linked to your looks. Getting social media validation for the way you look perpetuates the idea that your self-worth is linked to your appearance. And this is simply not true.

Now let’s look at some ways you can manage your inadequacy and stop comparing yourself to others.

How can I manage my inadequacy and stop comparing myself to others?

As you can see, social media fuels a sense of inadequacy, especially if you’re already going through a period of your life when you’re not looking and feeling your best.

So instead of comparing yourself to others, what can you do to embrace your amazing unique self and watch your social media usage?

Comparison is normal. First of all, realise that it’s absolutely normal for an isolated new mother to compare other people’s “living the dream” posts with her own messy, stressful, unglamorous life. But the isolation you may be feeling and attempting to soothe with social media will only serve to make you feel more lonely. We know it’s hard, but during those particularly lonely moments, instead of using social media as a fix, call or call a friend or do something nice for yourself.

If you’re going to post something, be real and honest. It’s not always easy to post a picture with your hair a mess, no makeup, and a vulnerable few words about your struggles with motherhood, but it’s needed. The world needs more honesty and vulnerability, which, in turn, reduces shame and supports others going through the same thing.

When you feel bad, don’t look on social media. The moment you notice that looking through social media is making you feel bad about yourself, stop! And say to yourself that what you’re looking at is only as real as you believe it to be. It may even help to laugh at yourself in those moments. And remember, when you feel bad about yourself, social media is kind of doing its job - it’s won! Try not to get sucked down that rabbit hole of self-judgement. Stop before you spiral!

Learn how to self-soothe and say words of reassurance to yourself. If you find yourself in comparison, remember that there is no one in the world like you. You are completely unique. It can be helpful in moments of comparison to remember that every single person has insecurities and challenging moments. There is no such thing as perfect and everyone is in the same boat. Why? Because we’re all human!

Practice celebrating others. When you’re not feeling so down, a great exercise is to look at all the happy, beautiful people and be genuinely glad for them. Instead of being jealous and resentful of someone, which only hurts you, tap into your empathy ability and find it in yourself to be happy for them. Remember, like attracts like; the more you can be happy for other people’s wins, the more you too will feel like a winner.

Celebrate yourself! Every day, practice celebrating the little wins. Celebrate how well you’re doing as a mother and all the ways you make yourself proud. And make a practice of it. Practice loving and being grateful for small wins. And yes, if you feel like sharing on social media for no reason other than it feels good and feels true for you, then do it!

Keep connecting with your community and sharing how you feel with other trusted people. Talking about how you’re feeling with trusted people, whether it’s friends, therapists or support groups is extremely cathartic and helps to normalise your experience and reduce shame.

Final thoughts

When we can become accepting of our flawed human selves, we are less likely to put so much meaning on the stories we see on social media, making it easier to witness other people's victories without doubting our own sense of worth.

The perils of social media: How do I stop comparing myself to others?

Comparing oneself to others on social media is a common challenge. Unii can help.