Your toddler looks at you in a way you’ve seen many times before; their little face is all scrunched up and their body is stiff – un oh, you know what this means! They’re holding in their poo again! You usher them to the bathroom, but they simply refuse to go. You’re becoming increasingly concerned and wonder – why do they keep doing this?

We completely understand your concern, but don’t worry; most toddlers will go through a period of withholding their poo, and in most cases, there is nothing to worry about.

It may help to ease your concern by explaining the reasons why this may be happening.

Why is my child withholding their poo?

There are four main reasons why your child may be withholding.

They are experiencing pain

One of the most common reasons for withholding poo stem from experiencing pain or the memory of experiencing pain when they poo. Once your toddler relates pooing with pain, they will withhold to avoid feeling that pain. Withholding does, however make constipation worse and ultimately makes the pain worse when they do manage to go. If pain is particularly severe, consult your family doctor.

They have fear or anxiety

Another common cause of withholding is fear. Your toddler could be afraid of sitting on an adult toilet, and it can be especially frightening for a child to see their poo get flushed away with a big loud (and scary) sound of the toilet flushing. Your child may look at the poo flushing down the toilet and fear that they, too, will get sucked down the toilet. Your child may also have fear and anxiety around pooing if they have been treated too harshly when having an accident in the past. They aren’t refusing to poo to deliberately antagonise you. There is usually a fear underneath, which needs to be uncovered so you can begin to work with it.

They lack privacy

Your child may feel uncomfortable being watched when they poo. There’s a reason why toddlers often like to disappear or hide in another room to poo – they want their privacy. Try giving your child as much privacy as they need, which might resolve their poo withholding.

They are constipated

Your child may not be eating the right foods to help them poo regularly enough. It’s important that your child eats a lot of fibre and drinks plenty of fluids, otherwise, your child will certainly experience constipation. It’s important to note that constipation is usually misdiagnosed, which further adds to the problem. Constipation doesn’t always mean infrequent poos, pain or difficulty pooing, or hard poo when they do manage to poo. Constipation can also masquerade as diarrhoea, soiling and frequent pooing. Diarrhoea can therefore be noted as a common symptom of constipation. If your child is experiencing constipation or diarrhoea, it is a good idea to check in with your family doctor.

Now we’ve explored some reasons why your child may be withholding their poo, let’s look at why your child may be refusing to go to the toilet.

Why is my child refusing to go to the toilet?

When we speak about refusing to go to the toilet, we are mainly referring to when your child first starts pooing out of nappies. Which is slightly different to withholding. Although anxiety about pain or fear of being flushed down the toilet can also be at play, there are two further factors to consider if your child is just beginning to poo out of nappies.

They need a lot more privacy

Pooing in a nappy allows your child more privacy and mobility. It means they can hide the fact they’re pooing a lot more easily and go whenever they want without having to notify anyone.

They need to have both feet on the floor

Ideally, both feet need to be firmly on the floor and in a squatting position so that the anal sphincters can open. While most potties should facilitate this position, toilets will leave their little legs dangling, so it’s important to have a step, so their legs and feet are stable.

Now we’ve explored why your little one may be withholding or refusing to poo, let’s look at how we can encourage our tiny tots to poo in the potty or toilet.

How can I encourage my toddler to poo in the potty or toilet?

Help your child to make friends with the toilet. Introduce your child to the toilet by listing the things it’s helpful for. There are many books aimed at helping children use ‘the big toilet’ for pooing that may be helpful. (see FAQs)

If you notice that your child always seems to poo in their nappy at bedtime, consider night training. When you first remove their nappy, it’s only natural to encounter some accidents, however, over time, your child will start associating their nighttime poo with going to the toilet.
Give your child some bubbles to blow while they’re on the toilet. Blowing bubbles not only helps to distract them and ease any anxiety they might be feeling, but the blowing action also relaxes their jaw, which, in turn, helps to relax their anal sphincter muscles.

Try putting one of your child’s nappies on the inside of the potty and invite them to sit on it. This provides them with the familiarity of pooing on a nappy and gets them used to pooing in a sitting position, as well as sitting on a potty! Eventually, you can remove the nappy, so they can just sit on the potty.

If you are toilet training and using the big toilet, consider reserving the potty for pooing only. Let your little one choose a private place to ‘hide’, so they can have as much privacy as they need while going for a poo.

If you notice your toddler beginning to poo in their clothing, encourage them to do this while sitting on a potty. To get them used to sitting on the potty, it may help if they keep their underwear on at first which will also help ease their anxiety.

If your child does have an accident in their underwear, ask them to help you release it down the toilet once they have finished. You can encourage them to say ‘bye bye’ as their poo is flushed away. You may even want to make up a fun story about where the poo is going.

Purchase a step or ‘squatty potty’, which helps your toddler to sit in a squatting position while on the toilet.

What are common poo problems?