As adults, we like to think that we’ve got it all figured out when it comes to our relationships with others. We try our best to be good parents, to stop our little ones from arguing, to be helpful and selfless towards others, and to get on well with our friends and family. And then… the inevitable happens. Someone pushes us one step too far. All of a sudden, patience is lost, voices are raised, and before we know it we are in the midst of some conflict or other.

No matter how old we get, conflict is an inevitable part of life. But that doesn't mean that we can't take steps to control how we see conflict, how we choose to engage in it, and how we choose to react to it. And when it comes to our youngsters, it’s important that we know how to teach them to resolve conflicts they find themselves in, even as early as the preschool years.

But before we delve into some practical ways in which you can do this, let’s first understand more about why teaching your child conflict resolution is so important in the first place!

Why is it important to teach my child conflict resolution?

While it’s very normal for children to engage in conflict at this age, defining and guiding them through a consistent conflict resolution process as they grow is important for their healthy development. After all, our children are the future generation, and it’s vital we teach them to calmly and rationally navigate their way through conflict as early as possible. Not only for their benefit, but for the benefit of others too.

How can I help my child resolve conflict?

Although it will take your child time and practice to learn the skills to be able to resolve conflict, talking them through each step and providing suggestions means they will move towards resolving conflicts independently more quickly. By the age of 3 or 4, your child should be able to take a much more active role in the process and will need to lean on you less.

Here are 7 easy steps you can take to help them grasp these skills:

Step 1: Stop the conflict.

As soon as you see your child engaging in conflict, move towards it, get down on their level, and try to neutralise the situation. This may mean calming down any child who is upset, separating children who are fighting, or holding onto a toy that seems to be the centre of the disagreement. Also try to soothe the children as best you can in this situation by saying things like, ‘I am here to support you and I know we can work together to solve this.’

Step 2: Understand the conflict.

It can be difficult to resolve a conflict you don’t understand, so make an effort to give each child an opportunity to recount their side of the story. This way, you can get a more balanced view of the events that have occurred.

Step 3: Restate the conflict.

Next, you should restate your understanding of what is at the core of the conflict. For example, you could use as few words as possible to say something like, ‘So, what I hear is that you both need the yellow block. Is that correct?’ If each child agrees, then this is your signal to move on to the next step. If they don’t seem ready yet, however, keep working on progressing until they all agree on the core of the conflict.

Step 4: Brainstorm and select a solution.

Now that you’ve gained a proper understanding of the conflict itself, it’s time to brainstorm and select a solution. For example, you could ask the children for ideas about how they might want to resolve the conflict. This gives them a chance to verbally list any and all possible solutions, even if the solutions they suggest seem unrealistic. This is your opportunity to listen, restate the ideas, and check with the others to see if the solution is acceptable. For example, you could say something like, ‘Ahmad thinks that he should have the yellow block and you can use the blue one, Rachel. What do you think?’ Let the process continue until the children come up with a solution they can all accept.

Step 5: Restate the solution.

Restating the solution will give you a chance to make sure that all children are on board with the plan of action moving forward. Once you’ve ensured that they are, the main part of the process comes to an end.

Step 6: Affirm the process.

Once you have found and reached a solution, it’s time to congratulate the children on their work. Make sure to thank each child for working to find a solution, and perhaps even encourage the children to shake hands or thank each other for being a part of the process.

Step 7: Follow-up.

Although it may be tempting to completely forget about the situation and move on as soon as peace is restored, it’s always good to do a follow-up. This makes sure that everyone feels like they were heard and that the agreed-upon solution is still in place. So, after a few minutes, check in with each child involved with a comment such as, ‘You did a great job working through that conflict, thank you. Is everything still going okay?’

What are some ways I can resolve conflict my child gets into?

Be a peacemaker and teach your child diplomacy.