It’s cold and wet outside, which means the kids are stuck indoors, and they’re seriously bored. They don’t want to read a book and beg as they might, and you’re not going to let them play on their electronic devices all day. Then someone suggests a board game – what a great idea! But ten minutes into the game, you’re beginning to regret the decision. Your youngest is cheating and not even trying to hide it, and the oldest, who takes competitiveness to another level, is getting increasingly upset. Eventually, someone flips the board pieces and dice are strewn all over the living room, and a fight ensues.

On top of this, they compete at everything! They race to get to the house door, rush for a specific seat at the table, and forever compete for your undivided attention.

If you grew up with brothers and sisters, you’ll know that sibling rivalry is almost inevitable in a big family. But while it’s certainly considered normal, it can sometimes get out of hand and affect the lasting relationships of siblings. So, is there anything we, as parents, can do to alleviate sibling rivalry?

Before we take a look at a few different preventative strategies, let’s quickly identify what this behaviour looks like.

What does sibling rivalry look like?

Again, while sibling rivalry is quite normal, the following signs indicate it’s probably getting a little out of hand:

Your children argue constantly.

They often physically and emotionally hurt one another.

They violently compete for adult attention.

They compete for car seats and a specific place at the table.

They compete to “be the best”.

They regularly take each other’s possessions without asking.

One or more of your kids believe that they receive less than their siblings and accuse you of being unfair.

Now that we have a good idea of what sibling rivalry looks like, let’s explore why it takes place.

Why do siblings behave as rivals?

Here are the top 3 reasons why siblings will often behave as rivals:

One or more children want to feel powerful and in control.

They want to feel seen. In big families, it’s easy for children, all of whom crave attention, to feel they’ve got lost in the mix.

They have learnt that this behaviour gets them a great deal of attention.

It’s likely all of these contribute to your children’s behaviour on some level, but scolding and lecturing might only encourage it. So, how do we prevent sibling rivalry?

How can I prevent sibling rivalry?

Introduce clear boundaries that reassure your children of their equal status. For example, ensure they take turns choosing movies and books and during games and activities. And be consistent with this. Similarly, ensure everyone gets a chance to speak at mealtimes.

Your kids might benefit from designated spaces at the kitchen table and even specific spots in the living room. This should put a stop to any fights for specific chairs. If there is one particular chair that they all enjoy sitting in, enforce a turn-taking rule.

Organise special one-to-one time with each of your children. We know you love them equally, and deep down, so do they, but this serves as a helpful reminder that you want to dedicate time to each one of them. You could set aside 10 minutes each day to sit down and chat, read a book together, or play a game, or perhaps you could organise a monthly play day with each child, letting them choose the day’s activities.

If possible, allow each child to have a space of their own and somewhere to safely stow their belongings. Bigger families with older kids might benefit from installing a few locks on bedroom doors. In this way, each child has somewhere they can go to be on their own and trust that their belongings are theirs and that they are safe. Of course, you should have a copy of each key made for yourself.

Avoid comparing your kids to one another, even positively. When we make comparisons, no matter how small, our kids will quickly imagine that we are forever surveying them, seeing who can do what better, which only encourages their competitiveness.

Clearly let your children know that if they continue doing X, the consequence will be Y.

“If you can’t play this game fairly, without any arguing, then I’ll take it away, and you won’t play it at all.”

If you can’t think of a good consequence in the moment, tell them you have one in mind that you will let them know of later.

Try using empathic commentary to draw your child’s attention to the effects their actions have on their sibling. For example,

“Look at [their sibling]. Can you see that they’re crying? They’re crying because they feel hurt.”

Young children are egocentric beings who often need our help when thinking of others.

If you’re playing a game with the kids, make sure to pay equal attention to both ‘loser’ and ‘winner’. In this way, your children learn that the game’s outcome does not affect your love for them. It’s also important that you let your children experience losses and that you don’t turn a blind eye to cheating. Yes, we want our kids to win, and we should celebrate their wins, but children with zero experience of failing will be ill-prepared for life’s challenges.

What can I do after a big sibling fight or argument?

Once everyone has calmed down, revisit any particularly bad arguments or fights and discuss how everyone felt. On occasion, your kids will have a breakthrough moment.

Encourage your kids to show and not just say they’re sorry. To many young kids, “sorry” is just a word they are told to say. If we can encourage them to show that they’re sorry – by giving their sibling a hug, drawing them a nice picture, or making them a sandwich – they’ll develop a better sense of what it means to apologise.

Have a think about what causes incidents of sibling rivalry. Is there a certain game you need to remove? Is there something in the home environment that encourages competitiveness? Can any changes be made?

For children who complain that they receive less than siblings, make a list of each child’s belongings. Make sure their lists are equal and show them. You can use this list as a preventative strategy when arguments occur in the future.

What can I do about sibling rivalry?

Brothers and sisters should get along. Unii tells you how to improve their relationships.