It’s been a difficult week. Your toddler, usually a smiley and excitable little thing, has suddenly made a habit of hitting, biting, and throwing. They ball their fists up and hit your outstretched arms when you lift them into bed for a nap, bite at their siblings’ fingers during playtime, and throw their food about at the dinner table. What’s going on? Why have these behaviours started all of a sudden? And what can be done about it?

Before we begin, let’s just clarify what these behaviours might look like so you know whether it’s necessary to take action.

What does this behaviour look like?

Your toddler regularly hits others.

They frequently kick and push

Your toddler often bites you, their siblings, and friends.

They repeatedly throw objects and food.

If your toddler is exhibiting one or more of the above, don’t worry. This behaviour is entirely normal and doesn’t mean they’re a bad kid. But why do they do it?

Why is my child hitting/biting/pushing/throwing etc.?

At this young age, your toddler is learning how to communicate with everyone around them. Sometimes they use words and noises, sometimes body language, and sometimes they hit, push, bite and throw.

They hit you because they don’t want to go to sleep. They bite their siblings because they don’t yet know how to share. And they throw their food because they’re full. These behaviours aren’t necessarily a desirable form of communication, but rest assured, it’s just a phase we can support and help our kids through.

So, now that we understand why toddlers exhibit this behaviour, we can go about preventing it.

How do I prevent my toddler from hitting/biting/pushing/throwing?

Observing the behaviour. First, you’ll need to closely observe your toddler and their surroundings during these bouts of unwanted behaviour and ask yourself a few questions. We’re looking out for:

Time. When does the behaviour happen? Just before lunch when your toddler is hungry? Just before a nap when they’re feeling tired?

Changes. Are they going through any visible changes? Are they teething? Have you just moved house? Is there a new baby in the home?

Activity. What is it they’re doing or playing with when the behaviours are triggered?

Other children. Are there other children around? Are they having to share toys?

Environment. Take a look at the environment they’re in when the behaviour takes place. Is it very busy and loud? Or full of lots of toys and activities that might be overwhelming your child? Is it calm and serene?

Emotions expressed. Before the behaviour happens, how do they look? Are they frustrated? Playful? Confused?

Adult reactions. How do adults, including yourself, respond? Are you calm in your response or flustered?

When you observe your toddler and their surroundings, you may identify certain patterns in their behaviours that will actually help you find out what it is they’re communicating. Then you can go about finding different ways to prevent these behaviours.

Preventing the behaviour. Here are some examples of how you can use what you have observed to prevent these behaviours:

Hungry. If they’re hitting before lunch or dinner, they’re likely communicating that they’re hungry. So try giving them larger snacks between meals to curb their hunger.

Transition. If they’re going through a physical transition such as teething, try to come up with a soothing solution. For teething, you could offer up a variety of teething toys.

Protective of their activity. If they start to hit and push during a certain activity, it could be that they feel particularly protective over it. So perhaps it becomes an activity for solo play.

Sensitive to their personal space. If they bite their siblings or friends when they’re playing together, it could be that they're sensitive to their space being invaded and need to have a little quiet time to themselves in that particular moment.

Too much noise. If they throw items when their surroundings become too loud and busy, try to avoid or remove them from environments that you know to be noisy.

Misguided playfulness. If they’re smiling and laughing before they bite or push, they could be simply playing a little rough, not understanding that it hurts.

Adult attention. If you scold and lecture them when they kick, you might be teaching them that it’s a great way to get your attention. Instead, you should respond in the following ways.

Your response. While we can allow all feelings, we cannot let our kids be violent towards us or others. Often your best bet is to very calmly acknowledge how they are feeling and then remove them from the situation. Once they’ve settled down, we can help them apologise or make amends.

For example, if they’ve pushed another child who is playing with the same toy, we can say, “I can see you want to play with the toy, but I can’t let you push them. Let’s go over here where it’s quiet and calm down.” Once they’ve settled down, take them over to the other child to see if they’re okay and have them apologise or model an apology for them. “I’m very sorry my child pushed you. I think they were just a little frustrated, but it’s not okay for them to push. Are you alright?”

Similarly, if they were to bite you, you can let them know once they’ve calmed down that it hurts, and then show them that it leaves a mark. Showing can often have a greater effect on a toddler than telling, so they’ll very likely want to rub or kiss it better.

Once they apologise or make amends, be sure to praise them.

What can I do if my child is in a hitting/biting/pushing/throwing/phase?

Toddlers can be difficult. Unii's advice can help.