You’re on your way to the doctor with your little one. It’s a trip you have been avoiding for some time.

It’s about time they had their vaccinations, but you’ve been resistant to taking them because you know what the reaction will be.

Heading into the doctor's office, everything seems fine for a few minutes. You let out a sigh of relief. But as soon as you try to get them to roll up their sleeve and hold your hand, they realise what’s happening and starts wailing.

Horrified at the scene that has been caused, you immediately recoil in embarrassment. You worry that everyone down the corridor in the waiting room can hear, so you end the appointment immediately.

Grabbing your little one by the hand, you rush out of the doctor's office, apologising profusely to people around you for the fuss.

Parents, we know that situations like these can be very common when you have children. In the scenario we’ve explored here, the parent is clearly embarrassed and becomes anxious at the idea of causing a scene in public. While the child has a temperament which interferes with this.

Having a clash of personalities with your child can be very difficult and can make finding solutions hard. Sometimes, poor compatibility between parent and child can also mean that conflict will often arise, difficult emotions felt by both parties are very hard to manage, and the child will ultimately never be able to meet the parent's expectations.

So, before exploring some solutions to these types of issues, let’s dive into why there might be a clash happening in the first place.

Why is there a clash of personality with my toddler?

Parents sometimes have a difficult time accepting themselves and their children.

It’s very common for children to be the very antithesis of their parents. For example, sometimes, a parent will be sociable, extroverted, active, and intense. While their child, in comparison, will be shy, introverted, and slow. When this discrepancy in personality occurs, parents will often become frustrated with not being able to enjoy the same activities with their children.

In addition to this, sometimes a parent won’t feel at ease with who they are or what they have achieved in life. Parents who struggle with themselves in this way will often find it hard to cooperate with their child and will project their unhappiness onto them.

A parent can have a subjective experience of their child.

Each parent will have a very individual view of their child’s existence. For example, they may feel irritated, threatened, delighted, enraged or conflicted by their child’s existence for many different reasons. For example, the circumstances surrounding the child’s conception, who the child resembles, the child’s birth order, and so on. Sometimes, a parent's perception of their child is more to do with their individual fears, wishes, and expectations rather than the child’s nature itself.

There are difficulties in coordinating co-parenting values, expectations, and practices.

In each parent's life, their child will play a symbolic role and potentially negatively affect the parents’ relationship as both co-parents and partners. For example, each child will have different characteristics, which may, in turn, become defects or virtues - depending on how the parent views them. While some parents may delight in their child’s ability to assert themselves, other parents might find this trait a bit alarming.

The quality of the parents’ support system.

Being a parent can be a very lonely, isolating experience if they don’t have the right support system to help them feel secure. If a parent experiences these feelings of isolation, then there is often little energy left to give to the child. When a parent is struggling in this way, it can also be hard to accommodate all of the child’s mental, physical, and emotional needs.

There are cultural matches and mismatches in the family and social system.

We all know that families can find it hard to get along, but this is especially true when cultural mismatches exist within the family unit. Older generations within the family may have totally different expectations of how a child should be brought up, and this may cause friction and criticism of how the parents are raising the children.

How can I create a better, more compatible relationship with my toddler?

Let your child inspire you, not aggravate you. Parents will often find it hard to get along with their children because they aren’t happy with themselves, aspects of their own personalities, or what they have personally achieved in life. If you find yourself feeling this way, see your child as a way to find new hope, and stimulate you into finding more fulfilling ways to live.

Try to balance your view of your child’s personality and qualities with your partner. When co-parenting a child, two adults often have opposing views about a certain aspect of the child’s personality. While this can lead to a conflict about the ‘right’ way to parent, it doesn’t have to. Try your best to communicate effectively with who you are co-parenting with, and have open conversations about your collective opinions of your child’s personality and traits.

Make sure you have a good support system around you. Every person needs a support system, whether you are a parent or not. However, when you have a child to look after, it can be extremely stressful, isolating and even frightening to feel you have no support. If this is the case for you, try reaching out to local services that can offer support, such as your GP.

Consider the views of others, but trust your own judgement always. We understand that it can be difficult when others in the family want to have their say about how your child should be raised. And although it’s good to listen to the opinions of others, if they make you feel uncomfortable, you should align with what you and your partner think is best for your child.

What can I do when there's a clash of personality with my toddler?

Trouble with your toddler's moods is common. Here's how to manage the situation.