Your toddler’s in the middle of a full-blown tantrum, screaming, crying, throwing food – the works. And it was supposed to be such a happy day! It’s their birthday, and the whole family is there. But something’s upset your little one and sets them off. They cry and scream for a whole 45 minutes before eventually calming down enough to have a slice of cake and open a few presents, tears still welling in their eyes.

Toddlers have a rather limited vocabulary, which means it’s not always easy to express or understand their emotions, especially the tough ones. And so, when they’re feeling bad, they experience emotional outbursts or tantrums.

If only they could tell us what’s wrong instead of having a meltdown.

Well, if we teach them how, they can! And that’s where codewords come in.

What are codewords?

When we talk about using codewords, we’re referring to a few different phrases we can teach our kids, which will let us know what’s bothering them.

But why do codewords work?

Given that tantrums stem from communication problems, and we know that toddlers have a rather limited vocabulary, we need to find an easy way for them to communicate. Teaching our kids these phrases empowers them by giving words to their feelings, allowing us to take the necessary steps to prevent tantrums.

We shouldn’t expect our kids to magically learn to control emotional outbursts, after all, behaviours must be learned and practised. So teach them these codewords after they have an incident. “Remember how sad and down you felt when you lost your toy? Here is what you can do next time to let me know you’re upset.” And then introduce them to the relevant codewords. Practise them regularly, and don’t shy away from talking about them. You can even model their use, naming your difficult emotions when you’re feeling down.

So, now that we have a good idea of what codewords are and why they’re so useful let’s explore a few examples.

What are some useful codewords, and when can my child use them?

“I’m having a hard time”. When our kids are struggling with something, this simple phrase will immediately alert a nearby adult. We can acknowledge that they’re struggling and ask them to “tell me more about it.” As soon as your child learns that this works, that it alerts you, and gets them help, they’ll use it more and more.

“I need a break”. It isn’t easy being a toddler. You often get much more attention than you might like and yet feel you have no way of expressing this. This codeword will come in real handy for bigger events full of people, like birthdays. Once they let you know, take them to a quiet spot to calm down and have some alone time. You can even remind them before you join a busy event that all they need to do is utter the codeword, and you’ll be there to help. There’s no need to throw things and start crying.

“I’m upset”. This is a great one because it opens up a conversation. Stop what you’re doing and calmly ask them what’s wrong, and then you can go about solving the issue.

“I need a hug”. When they’re feeling scared and need a bit of reassurance, this codeword is perfect. Children will often respond better to touch than words, so if they know how to ask, you’ll put a stop to many tantrums.

“I’m angry”. This lets you know they’re upset and don’t know how to manage the situation.

What codewords can my toddler use to let me know how they're feeling?

Establish an emotional language with your child using Unii’s tips.