Our children mean the absolute world to us, even when they are being cheeky little monkeys, and we all know that they can be cheeky little monkeys a lot of the time! Preschool children are always learning and experimenting, and sometimes they go too far and make mistakes that we know to be bad behaviour. And one such bad behaviour that is common in children is hitting.

Perhaps, some time ago, you were playing a game with your little one. A fun, imaginative game involving all of their favourite toys. And all of a sudden, much to your surprise, a small, balled-up fist comes out of nowhere and gives you a quick rap on the arm. It turns out your child was desperate to play with the toy in your hand and in this particular instance, for whatever reason, their frustration led to them hitting you. Maybe it just happened once and after a telling-off, it hasn’t occurred since, or maybe you’ve noticed that your child has since made a habit of hitting siblings and friends.

Whatever the case, hitting is not okay and needs to be discouraged, but how do we go about doing so in the right way?

Firstly, to prevent children from hitting their parents, or one another, it helps to have an understanding of why and when they resort to this behaviour. So, let’s take a look at that now.

Why does my child hit?

If hitting is a behaviour that your child regularly demonstrates, try to observe when the behaviour manifests.

Do they hit before lunch or before a daily nap, when they're hungry and tired and more easily frustrated? Is the behaviour triggered because you or a sibling have a toy they would like to play with? Do they hit when they’re told no?

Although hitting should not be allowed under any circumstance, there is a difference between children who hit out of frustration, those who do it to defend their property, and those who hit to get their own way. Remember, there are no bad kids, just bad behaviours, and understanding why your child hits can sometimes help you to prevent the behaviour from happening.

A lot of preschoolers will also hit because they do not yet have the vocabulary to express their needs. They might not know how to express that they would like a particular colour of paint or that they would like to go and play outside or even that they are hungry or cold. We can all appreciate that not being able to fully express oneself is frustrating at the best of times, so help them. Act as their teacher and role model, and provide them with the words and actions they require to ask and express their wants and needs.

If you’re unsure as to when or why your child hits, speak to their preschool teacher to determine whether the behaviour occurs at school, too, and how they might respond.

Once you have an understanding of why your child hits, you can go about taking steps to prevent it.

So how do you keep your child from hitting?

When our kids hit, our general response is to scold and lecture them on why this behaviour is so unacceptable. You may spend several minutes, each time they hit a sibling or friend, explaining that it is wrong because it hurts. The problem is, even though the child is receiving negative attention every time you lecture them, they’re nonetheless receiving attention. More often than not, children know that hitting is bad, so all that the constant lecturing does is reinforce the child’s feelings that hitting is an effective way to get attention.

So, what do we do instead?

Prevent

‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.’

If you’re aware of why and when your child hits, you may notice certain cues that allow you to predict when they will do it next. You can then take certain measures to prevent it. For example, if they tend to hit others when they’re playing with their toys, join in and explain the importance of sharing, giving them the chance to play cooperatively. Demonstrate good behaviour and try to promote positive social interactions. If they're playing with a couple of friends, you could say something along the lines of, “I think Jo wants to play with the toys, too! We’re building a Lego house, Jo. Do you want to help us build the roof?”.

In this way, you are making a positive situation out of something that often turns negative, teaching your child that there are ways to deal with the situation that don’t involve hitting. When they begin to learn that hitting isn’t necessary or an effective way to get what they want, the behaviour will gradually disappear. Just remember, there is always a root reason for your child’s actions, and changing these actions involves understanding the root.

Praise

As you would look out for bad behaviour, look out for good behaviour too, and be sure to praise your child when they handle a social situation well. Remember that when your child stops hitting, the negative attention you give them will decrease, but children need and want attention. So let them know how pleased you are and this positive attention will encourage the good behaviour to continue.

Use time-outs

Time-outs shouldn’t be used too often or for minor offences, but they can prove useful in regards to hitting. Calmly take your child to a quiet area where you can see them and let them know why they are in time-out. Avoid looking and making conversation with them, and after a couple of minutes let them come out once again. Be sure not to punish them any further or lecture them and give the bad behaviour any more attention.

What do I do if my child hits others?

Unii shares how to cope with this difficult behaviour.