Our little ones are always surprising us with the range of behaviours they tend to exhibit. One minute they seem to be extremely happy, excitedly running around with their friends. The next, they’re hurrying over to us in a hysterical state, screaming, crying and stamping their feet for what seems like no reason at all!

As a parent, we understand that their behaviour can be confusing at times, and it can often be hard to stop the words “now don’t be naughty!” from slipping out.

But the truth is, even though we always have good intentions as parents, the need to control or ‘manage’ certain behaviours our children show isn’t always the right way to go about things. But to understand exactly why this is, we have to first look at what it means to ‘manage’ behaviour, the positive or negative influence we can have upon the understanding they have of their own behaviour, and why it is important to help them grasp exactly what’s behind their actions.

What do we mean by ‘managing behaviour’?

When thinking about your need to ‘manage’ your child’s behaviour, think about what you’re trying to achieve. For example, are you trying to get them to behave, do what you want them to do, obey your instructions, stop them from breaking something, or make it so they do not question your authority?

The most significant question to ask yourself is, who exactly is trying to manage the behaviours here? You as the adult, or your child? And if the answer is you as the adult, then ask yourself this: do you really want your child to only know how to act in a range of situations because they have you on hand to manage their behaviours for them?

Why is it important to help my child understand their behaviour?

This leads us to think about exactly why it’s so important for children to understand their own behaviour, and for us, as their parents, to support them in their own self-regulation instead of trying to control them the whole time.

After all, as frustrating as children’s behaviour can sometimes be, remember that there is always a reason behind it. Sometimes they want attention, and sometimes they are upset or confused. Whatever the cause, it’s much more useful to help them look at the root cause of their actions. To learn the skills necessary to realign and manage themselves, rather than constantly stepping in to do it for them. This way, they’ll quickly learn that the emotions they’re feeling are normal and will be able to gain control over them as they grow and gain more experience in life.

What are the best ways to help my child to self-regulate their behaviour?

As a child, you will surely remember how it made you feel when adults commanded you to “sit up,” “be quiet,” " or “behave”. Nurturing your child to understand and manage their own behaviour can be a sensitive business, and it’s always good to consider the best ways to influence their personal, social and emotional development positively.

To do this, when trying to help your child self-regulate their behaviour, consider the following three points:

Take a moment to consider the language you are directing at them. Try not to talk to them in a way that infers you are trying to control them or tell them what to do. Choose your words carefully, and try to phrase them in a way that is much more understanding and balanced, with a calm, controlled tone. For example, if you see your child fighting with another over a toy, take them aside and physically come down to their level. Talk to them about how the other child might feel in this situation. You are therefore helping them understand the concept of empathy, and, over time, they will hopefully remember this.

Try to help your child understand the emotion they are experiencing. For example, if you see that your child is furious because they can’t dress their Barbie up properly, give them a moment to calm down, and then help them grasp the feeling they are going through. Explain that it’s perfectly normal to feel like this and that they can learn to have control over the feeling.

Always hold space for their emotions. There’s nothing worse for a child than if they feel like their feelings are not being considered. Even if you feel like the feelings they are displaying aren’t founded on anything significant, resist the temptation to tell them “they’re being silly”, as this could make things worse. Imagine how you would feel if someone discounted your feelings because they didn’t have the same emotional reaction to a situation that you did.

What does it mean to manage my child’s behaviour?

Managing your child's behavior involves guiding, teaching, and setting boundaries.