There is a lot of hype surrounding meeting your baby for the first time. Many women say that they are flooded with overwhelming feelings of love, awe, and gratitude, and that looking into the eyes of their newborn feels so familiar that it’s as if they’ve been waiting their whole life to meet this little human.

Physiologically, there is a surge of oxytocin immediately after the baby is born and when a baby first suckles, so it makes sense that a lot of women feel this sense of euphoria after giving birth.

But not every woman's brain and body react in the same way. And just because you're not experiencing this “love at first sight” moment with your baby, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

There are numerous states a woman could be in after giving birth. If it was a particularly long labour, you may not be able to keep your eyes open. If it was a particularly traumatic labour, you may still be bleeding or in pain. And if you had a caesarean section or an epidural, maybe you’re still feeling numb, so seeing your baby for the first time can feel overwhelming.

Having said that, if you had an experience of labour that did not match your idealised vision, it can be challenging. You may want to blame the medical team, your partner, or yourself!

The main thing to realise here is that even when we do everything ‘right’, birth is still beyond our control.

How do I recover from birth disappointment?

If you’re finding it a challenge to let go of some of your resentful or upsetting feelings around your birth, these tips will hopefully help:

Grieve the loss of the birth you wanted. It can be very painful to have a birth that is not aligned with your values or desires. For example, if you wanted a natural birth and were completely against getting a caesarean section but the birth you had involved a lot of drugs and a c-section, you will likely have a lot of feelings surrounding this. Acknowledge these feelings and allow yourself to process them by feeling them fully. There will be a necessary grief process you’ll have to go through.
Share what you’re feeling. Confide in loved ones—your partner, friends, family members, or anyone who you trust and who can listen without judgement. Talk to new mothers too. You’ll be surprised by how many moms will be able to relate.

Don’t blame yourself. Many women blame themselves when things don’t go according to plan. But what didn’t go as planned is not your fault. If you are feeling confused about some of the decisions made, you could ask your doctor to explain, which may help you appreciate that this was the healthiest choice for you and your baby. And if you made a choice in the depths of labour that you now regret, try to have compassion for the fear or pain you may have felt in that moment. If it was a medical complication, again, don’t blame yourself or think that you did anything wrong.

Reach out for help. If, after a few weeks, you are still finding it hard to feel positive feelings about your baby and are still plagued by negative, oppressive thoughts, then it’s time to reach out for support, as you may be suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety. Maybe your delivery is bringing up some past trauma or was a traumatic experience in itself and needs processing.

What happens when I meet my baby?

On Unii’s Giving Birth Journey, we explore meeting your baby after childbirth.