Some of the sickest and most premature babies can spend months in the hospital. As a parent, your life may be put on hold but also needs to go on, especially if you have other children. A mother will be discharged as soon as the midwives say she's fit to go home. Leaving when your baby can’t leave with you may feel unnatural, especially when you've spent your pregnancy thinking about bringing them home. If your baby is very sick, you may be allowed to stay a bit longer if the hospital has the space, but beds are often limited. Plus, if your baby is likely to be there for a while, you will need your strength and lots of rest to support them, so home may be the best place for you. Remember, your body is still recovering from pregnancy and potentially a traumatic birth. Doing everything possible to care for yourself will empower you to help your baby.

Taking care of each other

You and your partner should get lots of sleep, eat well, and be nice to each other. In a hospital environment where you feel observed by strangers, arguments may be seeded, but unity and mutual support at home are crucial. Mums should also express breastmilk every three-to-four hours, if possible. Set an alarm if you need to, and remember that being up at night will give you a chance to call for an update on your baby. As with any postpartum period, regular domestic duties may need to be set aside while you adjust to your “new normal.” You may like to recruit a “pregnancy pal” and give them a spare key so they can walk your dog, bring food, or take care of laundry and light housework. For single mothers, the support of family and friends will be essential emotionally as well as practically.

Try to take things one day at a time during periods of high anxiety. Consider speaking to the other parents in the neonatal unit. This may seem unthinkable, especially if you are instinctively discreet, but sharing can be mutually beneficial. Remember that while the doctors and midwives are a goldmine of information, they are not experiencing your case as a parent. You may wind up with lifelong friends or even just a great steer on where to go for dinner near the hospital.

Your other children

It is normal for siblings to be unsettled by the extra attention a newborn demands, and this is amplified when the baby is ill or hospitalised. It is not always easy to have young children in the neonatal unit with you when you visit. They may, however, be able to bond with your baby at this stage. Try having them read or talk to them through the incubator. Calmly explain the machines and how they’re helping their little brother or sister get well and strong enough to come home.

At home, however worried you are, it is important to spend time playing with them and ensuring they know you are present. Try to keep their routines consistent. Children often internalise your stress, especially if they are old enough to have a sense of what’s happening, so you may need to seek privacy when you feel overwhelmed. Grandparents can be a godsend in this situation, but if you don’t have them around, setting playdates with cousins or friends may be enough to give you a break.

Dealing with other people

There is no one right way to address your baby’s premature arrival and extra requirements with family and friends. You may want to share every detail or stay quiet about what you’ve been through. For their part, they may worry about broaching the subject or whether to send gifts and cards as they would if your baby were born at term. They may not contact you at all. Let your parents, siblings, and partner be your allies in letting others know how to reach out. Although this is a very difficult and worrying time, try to update them when you can. People will be thinking of you and praying for you. Even sending a group email can be enough to convey your gratitude.

What if I need to leave my premature baby in the NNU?

Unii looks at how to manage your time and emotions if you need to leave hospital and your premature baby must stay.