Your toddler will someday learn to use the toilet independently and probably forget any battles that came beforehand. This is hard to imagine while they are flat-out refusing to use the potty. The toddler years are exhausting, not least because of your child’s natural desire to resist you at times, but teaching them to understand and accept their bodily function and use the bathroom hygienically as often as possible can be a rewarding part of parenting. Let’s look at some ways you can avoid potty training refusal.

Make sure you’re not rushing them into potty training.

According to the NHS, potty training should happen between 18 months and three years, but, as each child is different, you need to look out for signs of readiness. There are three key ways your child needs to be ready before you start potty training.

Physically: They need to understand the need and be able to hold in their waste until they reach the bathroom.

Cognitively: They understand and show interest in the potty and what to do in the bathroom.

Emotionally: This can be the hardest one for parents to identify. If your child has an emotional attachment to how you connect with one another during a nappy change or has developed negative associations with potty training or toileting, this must be recognised and addressed. Resistance to potty training could also be an exhibition of their negative feelings about change in general if, for example, you’ve recently moved home or have a new baby in the house. You know your child better than anyone and will often have the best sense of how they’re feeling.

Empathise with how your child is feeling

Few of us remember our personal potty training experience, so it can be challenging to see your toddler’s point of view when they refuse potty training. While you, the logical parent, understand the need for them to learn toileting in a timely manner, their negative response is likely emotional and requires observation and thought on your part. Try to imagine how your child may be quite happy in nappies and have no real desire for things to change to something more complex—and potentially messy and difficult—when wearing them is something they understand. Adults tend not to want to fix something that doesn’t seem broken either, right? Once you validate that feeling in your child, you may find them more cooperative. Try taking some quality time with them each day, even just fifteen minutes to do what they want to do, whether it’s reading a book, playing a game, or just talking. How they’re feeling about the potty may come up naturally, you may learn about something else that bothers them, or you could simply make them feel trusted and heard. Any or all of these developments will help you towards successful potty training.

Take any pressure away from your child’s potty (including milestone celebrations).

Try just leaving the potty in the playroom or your bathroom, anywhere that your child feels comfortable. Once you are sure they’re certain what it’s for, explain that it's just there for them to use if they want to try it. Offer to take them there when you can see that they need to use the bathroom, or ask them directly but calmly if they want to use it. Make it clear that it’s completely up to them. You don’t mind either way, but you’re there to help them whenever they need it.

Some parents celebrate milestones in potty training, but not every child will appreciate this sort of fanfare. After all, mummy and daddy don’t get parties when they use the bathroom, right? You know your child’s personality best. If one child prefers to be left alone and the next wants attention and praise for potty training, support their individuality. They’ll both wind up with the same skill regardless.

Don’t make a big deal about accidents.

No child wants to feel they’re in trouble for having an accident while learning to use the potty. No matter how inconvenient the timing or scale of the mess, staying calm is essential. Reprimands or disgusted reactions may cause your toddler to form negative associations with toileting and send you right back to straight to square one with potty training refusal. Make it clear everything is OK and give them gentle, low-key reminders of when, where, and how they need to go. Then drop it. Tomorrow is another day.

Involve them in the switch from nappies to underwear.

Once they’re running off and using the potty by themselves, ask them if they want to switch from nappies to underwear. Research shows that it’s healthiest to make this switch before they turn three. Make it clear that you want their approval, but base your decision to ask on the capability you see they have developed in the bathroom. It’s important that your child be well practiced with regular underwear and toileting before they start preschool. Allow them to help you choose new garments while shopping.

With potty training refusal, as with so many aspects of raising a toddler, your persistence and patience with your child are key. For more information on potty training, watch Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

What if my toddler refuses to potty train?

Unii looks at how to analyse and overcome your toddler's toileting resistance.