The birth partner’s role in labour or childbirth isn’t centre stage, but it is still crucial. He or she needs to be in good physical and mental shape to support the mum-to-be. You’ll want to make sure she’s prepared, feels supported in her choices, and has all her tools and plans in place. Once labour’s begun, you may be driving her to the hospital, speaking to staff, helping her conserve her energy, pacing her breathing, and helping her keep positive. Your list of tasks and responsibilities will depend on her preferences and the demands of her pregnancy. There may be moments where it feels like she doesn’t like you very much, but rest assured, your presence is making a difference. It will help you to get organised early, and that’s what Unii’s Antenatal Course is all about. Learn what is happening to her physiologically from the other episodes in this journey, and consider the following a jumping-off point for your plans.

Who can be a birth partner?

A birth partner is someone a pregnant woman chooses to be with her during labour and childbirth. Anyone close to the mum-to-be can be a birth partner, from their other half to a family member or even a paid professional such as a private midwife or doula.

How can a birth partner help with early labour?

It will probably be just the two of you at home at this stage, which is usually the longest stage of labour. If you go to the hospital, you’ll be put on the labour ward until she’s in active labour, which isn’t usually the most restful environment. And this is a stage where she should be resting! Distraction is a great pain-relief technique you can help with at this stage. Keep her comfortable, go for gentle walks, offer massages and healthy snacks, or just settle in and watch a Netflix series together. Help her find comfortable positions to nap or sit in. Try to sleep and eat when she does, to keep up your own energy levels. Give her paracetamol every 4–6 hours. Make sure any medication you may need for yourself, such as an asthmatic reliever, is packed in her hospital bags.

Run her a warm bath and sit beside it in case she needs help changing positions. Timing her contractions is important, and you might jot down any symptoms she’s having. Make sure she’s taking slow, deep breaths during her contractions (in through the nose and out through the mouth) to reduce anxiety and exhaustion as things progress.

Staying in touch with the midwife is recommended at this stage, especially if your partner’s waters break, she loses her mucus plug, her contractions become intense, or any of the red flags we mentioned in the early signs of a labour episode appear. When she can no longer speak or move around during contractions and they are around 3-5 minutes apart, it’s usually time to go to the hospital or birthing centre. If your partner’s pregnancy is high-risk or the midwife suspects complications, you would usually have been advised to come in earlier.

How can a birth partner help during active labour?

You may be able to help your partner with some of the upright positions at this stage, as well as support her through contractions and encourage her to rest in between. If she’s chosen not to have pharmacological pain relief like an epidural, she will need your support even more. Try to become familiar with the variety of pain management options she has in advance, so you understand what will happen if she wants or is advised to deviate from her birth plan. At the end of this stage, a huge wave of adrenaline is released that may cause her to say some offensive things. Do not take any of this to heart; you’re almost there now. Take note of the two key times a person in labour can experience a ‘transitional phase’. This tends to be when the body is progressing from early labour into active labour (3cm being early labour to over 4cm which is classed as active labour) and then again when going from the 1st stage into the second stage (8-9cm into 10cm). At the point of transition, the woman will typically use language like ‘I’m dying, i can’t do this anymore’, or her behaviour may go from being very controlled to all of a sudden becoming very panicky, screaming and losing control. Do not be afraid of this. Help her get back into her zone, if you’re worried, ensure the midwife is present but focus on your role - keep her calm and help her feel safe.

How can a birth partner help with the pushing stage?

It is worth working out the kind of language the mum-to-be prefers for this stage. Some people thoroughly dislike “cheerleading,” while others enjoy the encouragement. The romantic partner is usually allowed to have skin-to-skin contact, which can be beneficial for the baby and a great bonding experience for a non-birthing parent. If your partner has a caesarean, you may be able to take the opportunity to do this while she’s recovering from surgery.

Some non-birthing partners are unprepared for how their baby will look at birth—blue and a bit mucky—so check this out online in advance to prepare if you feel you may react badly. A negative response may unsettle the woman who has just given birth.

How can a birth partner help when the placenta is born?

This won’t be something that concerns you much. Some people find it gory, and you may like to focus on the baby if you’re squeamish.

What do I say if she needs an intervention?

Neither of you will have planned this, but you can be informed and advocate for the preferences she made in the birth plan. Please see Unii’s Antenatal Journey episodes on assisted delivery and caesarean birth.

How do I help during a caesarean birth?

Your partner will usually be awake throughout the surgery unless she has a general anaesthetic, which is rare. Your presence and support is very valuable during this procedure, any surgery can be frightening and this is especially true if she undergoes an emergency caesarean. If your partner was to require a general anaesthetic, it’s important to know that you will be asked to leave the theatre room. No one other than medical personnel can be present in theatre if a general anaesthetic is being used.

How can a birth partner help after the birth?

This is recovery time for mum, as well as the point when she begins her role as mother and chief feeder, if she’s breastfeeding. She’ll need your support more than ever. The most important thing you can do is ask her what she needs, but we have some suggestions that may help:

Spend as much time as you can with mum and baby on the postnatal ward. Bring food if you can; hospital food can be bland.

If you’re able to get home before she and the baby are discharged, try and tidy up or get someone in to do it. Coming home to a clean house with fresh flowers (and maybe balloons!) will be lovely. One of the best things you can do for a new mum is take complete responsibility for household chores. If you haven’t made arrangements to have your pet taken care of for the first few days, she’ll be back now is the time to get this sorted.

Fill the fridge with her favourite foods and ask family members to prepare meals if necessary.

Make sure she’s taking her painkillers as advised. She’ll be highly focused on the baby’s wellbeing, but she'll feel and sleep better if she’s pain-free.

If she’s had a caesarean, she may have been given blood thinners to inject to prevent clotting. These can be hard to use on herself, and you can help by administering them.

You may need to enforce some boundaries with extended family and friends so you can enjoy your first days together as a new family. Everyone loves a new baby, but you’ll need your privacy.

Acknowledge that the physical and emotional experience she’s been through requires time in recovery. Encourage her to get back into her pyjamas at home. Run her baths and create a comfortable environment for her to sleep in when she can.

If you are the father or another significant other, this experience will have been an emotional rollercoaster for you too. The new mother will need to lean on you, so it’s worth figuring out who you’ll call when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Postpartum depression is thought to affect as many as one in ten men, and reaching out for help if you need it is important.

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