Having a child is one of the most life-altering events that can happen to a person. Suddenly there is a little person in your life who you’d do anything for and who you love more than anything in the world — we get it! But through our love for our children, we need to remember that it is our responsibility not only to take care of their physical needs but to ensure they grow up emotionally secure, responsible adults with a good head on their shoulders.

Whether you realise it or not, you have a parenting style you will lean towards when interacting with your children. Everyone does. And the use of each parenting style will result in a child developing certain thoughts and beliefs and turning out to be a certain type of way as an adult.

Children are also great at mirroring their parents; repeating behaviour is how they learn and develop their personality. For example, if you are a free spirit that is compassionate towards others, chances are your child will be too. Equally, if you are rude to and impatient with strangers, there’s a huge chance your child will follow in your footsteps.

Your parenting style and personality are key to carrying out positive discipline with your child, so it’s important to take note and be fully aware of both. If you’re unsure about which parenting style you might be displaying, here’s some revealing information about the four types!

What are the four parenting types?

Authoritarian Parenting

This would be considered to be the ‘harshest’ of parenting styles. Parents who adopt this style tend to believe that children should be ‘seen and not heard’ and don’t have any tolerance for children not obeying their rules. Discipline is enforced through punishing children and strict rules. Some authoritarian parents also resort to using corporate punishment to enforce discipline and may smack their children to keep them ‘in line’.

Authoritative Parenting

The next step down in terms of ‘harshness’, authoritative parenting still has rules, but parents explain the reasons behind the rules and are happy to take their child’s opinion into consideration. The children’s feelings are validated, but parents still make it clear they are in charge. Parents using this style are happy to set limits and boundaries but encourage their kids to be independent. They are nurturing and supportive when their kids make mistakes.

Permissive Parenting

Children whose parents convey this parenting style tend to think of their parents more as ‘friends’ than authoritative figures. This style is sometimes called ‘indulgent parenting’, as these parents will have an ‘anything goes’ attitude toward their kids' behaviour. They are warm and interactive, don’t really discipline their kids, and boundaries and rules aren’t common.

Uninvolved Parenting

Finally, uninvolved parenting styles see parents not engaging with their children’s lives that much at all and seen as neglectful and unresponsive. They will provide them with their basic needs, but their emotional needs are not met. They don’t tend to communicate well with their children at all and don’t care about rules as long as their children don’t ‘drag them into their mess’.

Whatever parenting style you have recognised to be closest to how you interact with your children, there are endless ways that parents consciously and subconsciously act with their children. Most of us want to teach our children self-control, appropriate behaviour and responsibility, but we can lose sight of where the focus should be and what’s important.

Remember, as parents, it’s not about what we want but what our children need to learn to be the best person they can be.

How can you ensure that your child is positively affected by your parenting style?

Remember not to confuse discipline with punishment

‘Discipline’ can feel like a harsh word. But in reality, discipline is supposed to teach the difference between right and wrong and develop self-esteem and self-control as a child develops. Disciplining, when done correctly, is a positive and effective method. Whereas punishment is the opposite. It does not teach good behaviour but merely programmes a child to behave in a certain way. A way they will not stick to once they feel any sense of threat is out the way. It can also cause significant resentment in the child.

Don’t think you are a bad parent because you’re struggling with disciplining your child:

Everyone feels like this sometimes, so don’t feel like you’re alone if you do! Children can be difficult sometimes, so don’t get disheartened if you feel like you’re failing as a parent because one strategy doesn’t work. Take a moment, get some perspective, and try something else!

Try not to disagree about discipline in the presence of a child:

It’s never great to argue in front of a child, especially not when disciplining them. This can create great confusion and will always do more damage than good. It’s always better to discuss with someone you are co-parenting with what the best strategy is for disciplining when the child is not present.

Avoid making empty threats:

When children misbehave, it may seem like a quick solution to threaten them to make them act a certain way. For example, if they start arguing in a restaurant, and you threaten that you will all go home if they don’t stop, this may feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but it’s not a long-lasting solution as they will be likely to continue as soon as you stop threatening, as they feel it is safe too. You won’t have the energy to continue threatening again and again, so over time, they will learn your words don’t have weight.

Try to keep your cool:

When you have kids, we know it can feel like they sometimes want to push your buttons. Simply put, resisting the urge to explode into anger when you’re all out of patience with your kids is hard. First, know that it is normal to want to lose your cool, but there are tactics to deal with this. The first step is recognising that you may have a problem or that you are triggered easily. It is much better to take ownership and decide to do something about it, as this will stop things from getting out of hand. Remember that ‘exploding’ into anger has no long-term benefits, as the child will only stop their behaviour in the short term. When you have calmed down, they will forget your anger and behave in the same way as before.

Recognise your triggers

But how do you recognise your triggers? One of the biggest challenges of parenthood is that children seem to be able to press our buttons rather easily, at the worst of times! Feeling anger is very normal, but it’s how we manage that anger that counts. That way, we can treat our children with the respect they deserve and hold onto our dignity! So, learn to recognise your triggers. Examine yourself and discover where your stress point is. For example, if you’re a head-person, you will feel the blood rushing to your brain when you're about to get angry. If you’re a tummy person, you will feel the anger starting there. Simple steps like recognising your body's signal will allow you to control the anger before it lets loose on your child!

A few techniques that will help you keep your cool:

Breathe
Give yourself a time-out
Don’t react
Tag out
Take care of yourself
Forgive yourself

What is my parenting style, and how will it affect the way I discipline my child?

Determining your parenting style can help you understand how you approach discipline and interact with your child.