When your little one hits you or another child, calls their sibling a rude name, straight-up refuses to eat their dinner, or screams for seemingly no reason, we react by disciplining them. Perhaps we scold and shout, maybe we place them in time-out, or perhaps we withhold affection and certain privileges. Whatever the case, the general idea is that these methods prove unpleasant for a child, causing them to alter their behaviour and do what we want them to.

But when we speak of positive discipline, we’re not talking about getting our kids to always do exactly what we want. Instead, we need to see discipline as a means by which to teach someone to follow rules and adhere to certain behavioural standards so that they become happier, socially capable humans. While many tactics employed by parents work in the short-term, they often don’t teach our kids important values, and most fail to encourage children to become healthy, happy and balanced adults.

With this in mind, let’s examine a few different ways in which many of us react when our kids act out, and the pros and cons of each strategy.

Let’s imagine a few different reactions to a scenario

Perhaps you’ve just finished making a delicious but time-consuming lunch while your little one has been playing with their favourite cuddly toys in the living room. You’ve asked them three or four times now to put their toys away, to come to the table and sit down and eat, but they’re engrossed in their game and appear to be ignoring you. After the fifth time, you get rather angry, shout a little and eventually, perhaps somewhat aggressively, put away the toys. They begin to cry, but you’ve run out of patience, so you tell them to stop being silly and sit down for lunch. Lunch is an unhappy affair and by the end of the meal, you feel you must apologise for shouting and explain that you're tired and today’s meal was a difficult one to make. As a consequence, your child not only believes that they can get away with ignoring you, but also that shouting and getting angry is normal and justified when tired.

Now imagine the same scenario, but this time you don’t get angry. You’re a little exhausted after cooking, so you let them play for another fifteen minutes, and by then they’re hungry and ready to eat. So they put away their toys and eventually come to the table. They eat, you eat, and everyone seems fairly happy. The problem is that they’ve just learnt that when they ignore you, they ultimately get what they want!

Let’s say the scenario plays out a third time, and this time, to get them to put away their toys and come to the table, you offer them a reward — a tasty muffin for dessert! Again, you may initially get what you want, but they will quickly assume that there’s always a delicious treat to be had for putting away their toys and eating their lunch. They may then begin to think that behaving well is only worth doing when there’s a reward. So again, not an ideal outcome.

While all of these strategies do eventually lead to the intended outcome, none teach your child desirable qualities or long-term lessons. Each time you discipline, whether it’s positive, negative, or passive, you create certain beliefs in your child’s mind that will stay with them throughout their lives. You teach them to fear you, to rebel, or that they are entitled to rewards. But they haven’t learnt to cooperate.

So how is positive discipline different?

Now let’s look at how you could approach the same situation with positive discipline.

In this final scenario, you acknowledge that they're enjoying playing with the toys, but gently let them know it’s time for lunch. You remind them that lunchtime is at 12:30, and tell them softly to put the toys away for now. Perhaps you could make a game of it and both say goodbye to each toy in turn. Also, remind them that the food is going to go cold soon if they don’t eat it soon. Before long, you are both sitting at the table, enjoying a delicious meal together. And it was all achieved without bribery, dispute, or confusion. Instead, your kind reminder as to the agreed lunchtime, and your acknowledgement of their enjoyment of playing with toys, encouraged them to make the right decisions.

The practice of positive discipline is based on the belief that there are no bad kids, simply children presenting good or bad behaviours. Focusing on the positives teaches them to make better decisions in a constructive, encouraging and respectful way, providing them with all the necessary skills to become enthusiastic, valuable, and happy members of society. It’s all about finding that balance between remaining positive and teaching your child bad behaviours from good behaviours. Of course, some situations will require more patience than others, but if you keep at it regularly, then you will see the benefits in no time!

What is positive discipline?

Every parent should consider disciplining their child in a constructive way.