What should I do about nighttime visits from my child?

If you’re raising a preschooler, you’ll be well used to a little midnight visitor crawling into your bed in the dead of night, waking you up as they snuggle into your arms. Rest assured, it is entirely normal for your child to climb into your bed during the night, especially a young preschooler. Whether they wake up a little scared or simply want a cuddle, your little one visits you in the night because they find comfort, security and love in your arms. But maybe their nightly visits are disturbing your much-needed sleep or perhaps a prying friend has seen fit to share their opinion — “Aren’t they a little old to be sleeping in your bed?” — and now you’re worried that they may be right.

Why are nighttime visits a problem?

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your family, and nobody else, to decide whether nighttime visits are cause for concern. So before you go about implementing any changes, ask yourself the following questions:

What specifically bothers me about my child’s nighttime visits? Is it that they wake me up? Does it prevent my partner and I from being intimate? Is it that I’m concerned about what others will think of my parenting?

If you’re all getting the sleep you need, and you don’t mind their cold little feet occasionally poking and prodding you, there’s no real reason for you to put a stop to this behaviour. And if you’re merely concerned by what others will think of you, don’t be. No two parents are the same, and that’s a good thing! However, if you decide that you would like to put a stop to midnight visits from your preschooler, we’ve listed a few useful strategies.

How do I keep my little one in bed all night?

Choose as many or few of the following six steps as you like, but be patient and calm throughout. This process will take some time and certainly won’t happen overnight.

Bed to floor, then out the door:

If the problem is that your little one wakes you as they climb into your bed, but you’re happy for them to sleep in your room, make up a special sleep spot for them on the floor. It certainly doesn’t need to be anything fancy: a small mat, a sleeping bag and a pillow will go a long way (but don’t make it too comfortable for them!)

Excitedly present the sleeping spot to your child during the day and let them know that if they’re quiet as a mouse, they can choose to sleep in the sleeping spot if they wake in the middle of the night. It’s very likely they’ll attempt to crawl into your bed first, but if they do, direct them to the sleeping spot or go back to their own bed and encourage them to settle down.

It’s important that your child knows they have a choice between their bed or the special spot, and with a little encouragement from you, they’ll eventually choose their bed because it is the comfier, cosier option.

Morning snuggle:

Of course, a snuggle with your cuddly preschooler isn’t something you want to give up, and you shouldn’t! But if we can shift bedtime visits from the midnight hours to the morning, you’ll remove the frustration of being woken in the middle of the night.

Let your preschooler know of a signal that tells them they can join you in bed in the morning. It could be that they’re allowed to climb in with you once it’s light outside, or you could even set an alarm clock up in their bedroom. Just make sure to clearly explain that your bed is off-limits unless it’s light outside or the alarm has gone off. Otherwise, toddler clocks are available that show a smiley sunshine when it’s time to get up and can be a really useful piece of kit to use.

Weekend promise:

In this approach, you’ll need to explain to your child that if they can sleep in their own bed all week long, they’ll get to share your bed come the weekend! Hang up a calendar and let them stick bright and shiny stickers on the days that pass without any nighttime visits, and be sure to offer plenty of praise when they do well! If they have an off night, be patient with them and make use of the following method — the boomerang method.

Boomerang method:

The boomerang method should put a stop to nighttime visits fairly quickly, though it will see you rather tired for a couple of days. Before you go about using this method, explain to your child that you would really like them to stay in their own bed all night. Then going forward, if they come to your room at night, take them back to their own bed as calmly and quietly as you can, without turning on lights or talking too much. If they’re able to fall asleep on their own, leave them to it, or wait beside them as they drift off. If they wake you up once again, trying their very best to snuggle between your arms, simply repeat the process. It might take several trips to their bedroom and several days for them to get on board, but after a while, they will learn to stick to their own beds. The boomerang method requires a great deal of patience from you but should prove effective.

Rewards:

If you’re raising a preschooler, you’ll know that the promise of a gift or prize is often the very best incentive. That’s why the sticker approach works so well. Place a calendar in your child’s bedroom and get your hands on a set of colourful stickers. If your child goes an entire night without disturbing you, let them place a sticker down in the morning. Once they reach a certain number of stickers, as chosen by you, they win a prize! It might be a fun toy or a trip to the seaside, just make sure there’s enough incentive for them to really try their best.

Don’t send mixed messages:

Now there may be a small part of you, or a rather big part of you, that enjoys nighttime snuggles with your little one, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, if you have decided that it’s time for your child to sleep on their own, you’ll need to check yourself every now and again to make sure you aren’t sending them any mixed messages, like cuddling them in the mornings and telling them you miss them at night.