Let’s imagine you’re on the phone, speaking to an old friend that you haven’t heard from for some time. You’re enjoying the conversation, reliving the glory days and having a good laugh, when a couple of little hands come patting at your legs and a little voice says, ‘Hey! Will you play with me?’. You mutter something about being ‘busy right now’ and then your friend says something hilarious and you can’t help but laugh, turning away from your preschooler for a moment.

A few seconds go by and suddenly, you’re distracted by a huge amount of weeping and wailing coming from the direction of your feet. Your little one, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, has burst into tears, and you’re not sure what’s wrong. You try your best to comfort them, but nothing seems to help, and you can barely hear your friend now, so you have to say goodbye and tend to your child.

‘I wanted to play with you!’, they say between sobs.

‘Okay, well we can play together now,’ you respond, but they keep on crying and you can’t help but think it’s somewhat of an overreaction.

The next day, something very similar happens, and after two or three weeks, the behaviour happens even more regularly. Your little one seems to cry unnecessarily, and you don’t know why!

Why do children cry unnecessarily?

During early life, crying is how we communicate. As babies, we cried when we were hungry, when we needed changing, and when we wanted to see the beaming smiles of our chief caregivers. As we grow into toddlers and eventually preschoolers, we begin to learn of other ways to express our needs, primarily through language. Although, this is not to say that crying isn’t still used as a means of expressing hurt, fear, sadness, anger, and other emotions.

Occasionally, however, a child might overuse crying. If a young preschooler learns that crying is the fastest means of getting the attention of not just their parents, but other adults too, it’s easy for a pattern to emerge. Suppose that your little one tries to get your attention by speaking and you don’t hear them or perhaps you're busy with something important and ignore them. They begin to cry and you rush over, wondering what is wrong. When this happens often enough, your child learns that crying is the primary and most effective means of communication.

At preschool age, there are always plenty of things going on, and always a lot to learn, and it can be both exciting and overwhelming. It’s very possible that your child will be upset by seemingly small incidents, so it’s critical to recognise whether crying comes from a place of real hurt or is simply being used as an attention-getting device. And if the latter is true, how do we go about teaching children to reserve crying for situations that warrant it and not as an attention-seeking device?

How do I prevent my child from crying for attention?

If you have determined that your child is crying to get attention, take note of the following 2 steps:

Ignore

Given that crying continues because it is reinforced by adult attention, we need to reverse this pattern. When your child cries, take a quick look to see that they are not hurt, asking them what is wrong if you can’t be sure just by looking. If there is in fact real cause for tears, comfort the child and take care of the problem. However, if they are crying to get your attention, let them know in a matter-of-fact tone that you struggle to understand when they cry and if they do not stop, move away. All the time, try to keep your body language and facial expressions calm. While you must listen out for the crying, try your best not to look at your child. When they stop crying, go to them immediately and give them your full attention, saying, ‘There! Now let’s find something fun to do together.’ If they begin to cry again, tell them ‘I can’t talk to you properly when you cry,’ and move away until they stop.

Initially, as you ignore this behaviour, your child will probably cry louder and for longer, but this is to be expected. Although it might prove to be difficult, be persistent. The behaviour should soon decrease as they learn that crying is not an effective way of getting your attention.

Reinforce different forms of communication

It’s important that you let your child know that crying for attention is not acceptable, while other behaviours, such as talking, prove to be much more effective. Give your little one plenty of praise and attention when they communicate through words and engage in play and different activities appropriately. Attention in the form of praise, positive commentary, and hugs will teach them that it is much more satisfying to communicate without crying.

The combination of reinforcing expected behaviours and ignoring unnecessary crying should see fairly rapid change.

What should I do if my child cries unnecessarily?

Sobbing is disconcerting no matter why it happens. Here’s what to do.