Your little one has a friend over for the day, and you’re all sitting down for a delicious dinner. But at the end of the meal, you notice a small pile of food hidden under the table where the kids were sitting. You call them back and ask what happened, and your child immediately blurts out, “It was him!”. The friend looks confused and concerned and insists it wasn’t him. You can tell that he’s close to tears now, so before it gets out of hand, you let them rush off and play. While you go about cleaning up the mess, you wonder - Was my child telling tales?

Over the next few days, you notice that your child is involved in one or two similar instances of mischief and yet, it always seems to be someone else’s fault. They say the dog broke the vase, their brother called them a rude word, and their friend stole their favourite toy!

All children go through a phase of telling lies. As their imagination develops, so does their capacity to make things up, but most preschool lies are harmless — “I’ve only had one cookie!”

But what do we do when our kids tell tales to intentionally get others into trouble?

Before we take a look at a few different strategies to prevent this, let’s quickly clarify which behaviours we are referring to when we say ‘sneaky’.

What does sneaky behaviour look like?

If either of the following is true of your child, they could be exhibiting sneaky behaviours.

Your child tells tales about others.

They often set up situations to get others into trouble.

Now that we know what can be deemed sneaky behaviour, let’s find out why it’s typical of a lot of preschool kids.

Why might my child resort to sneaky behaviour?

Here are 4 of the main reasons for sneaky behaviour in children:

At this young age, children seek to feel powerful and in control. Getting others into trouble garners them greater control over the attention and affection of a parent.

They’re attempting to paint themselves in a more favourable light, believing this will get them more of your love and attention.

They may be pushing negative attention on another to remove it from themselves.

They’ve not yet learnt to empathise. This is entirely normal in young children.

Take some time to consider which of these might apply to your child as this will likely inform the strategies you choose to employ. If none ring especially true, there are a few more general strategies that may still prove useful.

How can I prevent sneaky behaviour?

Let them know you know. If your child is trying to get another into trouble, make sure to tell them both that you know what is happening:

“I see that you put some of your friend’s food on the floor and blamed them, and I can see that it’s upset them. We shouldn’t tell tales now, should we?”

Try to say this in front of both your child and their friend. In this way, we let the other child know that we trust and believe them while holding our little one accountable, and reminding them that we don’t tolerate lying.

When you challenge your child, be gentle. If they’re lying to impress you and receive attention, they may be lacking some self-confidence and we don’t want to harm their self-esteem further. So, you might say:

“I saw what you did. I’m always watching, so I can keep you safe and happy. Let me help you apologise and make it up to your friend.”

While they now know their sneaky behaviour won’t go unnoticed, the emphasis on ‘safe and happy’ reminds them of your love and your want to protect them. Also, by gently offering your help to apologise, they will be more inclined to do so than if you gave them a strict order.

State the truth and the consequences. When you state the truth, your child will very likely protest — “But it wasn’t me!”. Children will often maintain a lie because they fear the consequences of coming clean. So, be calm and empathetic, but maintain that you know the truth, then clearly state the consequences.

Name their need. If you think you know why your child uses sneaky behaviours, it can sometimes help to name their need. If, for example, you believe they tell tales to get your attention, you could say,

“I wonder why you told me that your sister was naughty - was it so I’ll love you more? Sometimes, when people worry they aren’t loved, they tell tales about other kids. Well, you should know I love you all the same, no matter what.”

Not only do you reassure them of your love and attention, you’re also letting them know that there’s no real need for lying.

The best response is to not respond to the tale. If your little one tells tales about other children, take everything they’re saying on board, but don’t give them the response they’re looking for:

Your child: “Zoe wet the bed again!”

You: “Oh, thank you for offering to help Zoe sort it out. How kind of you!”

Your child: “Charlie has two cookies!”

You: “Lucky Charlie! He must be very hungry.”

What should I do if my child exhibits sneaky behaviour?

Get this strange behaviour sorted out with Unii's tips.