One of the parents from school calls you up one day and tells you that your child has been picking on some of the other kids at school. You may have mixed feelings about it. Maybe you don’t believe this parent. Maybe you think their child is just making it up. It’s normal to be in denial about your child’s intimidating behaviour; admitting that your child has behaved inappropriately can be challenging and may pose the question - Have I failed in some way?

Although bullying can be a very normal experience for preschoolers, it’s a very serious matter. So if you hear that your child has been repeatedly antagonising their peers, you must address it as soon as possible.

Remember, children don’t bully because they are “bad kids”, and they also don’t bully because you are “bad parents”. When kids are at preschool age, they will engage in all kinds of behaviour that aren’t necessarily reflections of who they are. They are figuring out their identity and sometimes make mistakes that are unkind to other children.

First, let’s take a look at a few telltale signs that your child may be bullying others.

Is my child bullying others?

If your child displays these signs or characteristics, they may be bullying others.

They lack empathy. Is your child able to feel what it’s like to be in someone else's shoes, or are they only concerned with their own feelings?

They refuse to take responsibility for their actions. If your child scores badly on a test, do they blame the teacher? Or blame their siblings when they have been caught doing something naughty?

They get easily frustrated. Does your child have a temper tantrum when things don’t go their way?

They are obsessed with being popular. Is your child overly concerned with being liked and will do anything to win and be “the best”?

They marginalise others. Does your child only hang out with certain groups of kids? Do they refer to their classmates as “losers” or “weirdos” and make nasty jokes about “the fat kid”, or “the spotty kid”?

They have “mean” friends. Does your kid hang out with other children who like to talk about other children behind their backs in unkind ways? Do you hear them talking about ways to play mean tricks on other children?

They are getting in trouble at school. Are you getting regular calls from parents or teachers for fighting or overly dominant behaviour?

As parents, we worry about kids being mean to our little ones, but an even more unsettling question parents need to ask is, “What if my child is the one being mean?”

Now, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why children bully.

Why do kids bully?

Bullying is almost always about power and asserting dominance over others, but what are the reasons children choose to be mean to others?

They may be trying to fit in with the other children who are picking on one person to avoid getting picked on themself.

They may feel like they are getting bossed around in other areas of their life, so want to regain a sense of power by bullying others.

They are looking for attention from parents, teachers, or classmates but haven’t found other ways of getting attention.

They, by nature, may be a lot more assertive than their peers and know what they want.

They don’t fully understand how their behaviour is making someone else feel.

They don’t feel important enough or good about themselves.

They don’t know how to express their emotions or control impulses in healthy ways.

They may be experiencing some changes or emotional difficulties in their life.

They may have allergies to certain foods that are causing mood swings and impulsive behaviours.

There are so many reasons why your child might be bullying others. By talking with your child about it, understanding what they're experiencing, and guiding them through more appropriate behaviours, you can curb bullying and address the issues that might have caused it to happen in the first place.

These steps will help you support your child to foster more respectful relationships with their peers.

How Do You Support Your Child Who is Bullying Others?

If you hear from a teacher or another parent that your child has been bullying another child, ask your little one to sit down and talk about what happened. Ask them calmly to explain what happened and their reason for doing it. This gives your child an opportunity to articulate why they are acting out in a space where they won’t feel judged.
When disciplining your child, use non-physical approaches such as time-ins, time-outs and loss of privileges. It’s important that your child realises that their behaviour is harmful and can have a long-lasting impact on the child they are bullying.

Once your child has regained their privileges and feels calmer, encourage them to make it right with the child they bullied. Suggest they draw a picture or go to the child and apologise. Or perhaps they could be encouraged to play a game and include the child they had previously been excluding.
Talking to your child in a non-judgmental and supportive way is key to minimising aggressive and bullying behaviour. Be present with your child and show them that you are listening and curious about what is going on for them. Let them know that they are still loved and that you can support them with whatever it is.

Encourage empathy by explaining the consequences of bullying. Take the time for your child to understand how they would feel if they were the one being bullied. When kids see things from a different perspective, they are less likely to bully again in the future.

If you’re having trouble getting to the bottom of why your child is bullying others, you may want to consider consulting a child psychologist or psychiatrist who has a lot of experience with analysing and investigating kids’ behaviours.

They lack empathy. Is your child able to feel what it’s like to be in someone else's shoes, or are they only concerned with their own feelings?

What should I do if my child is bullying another child?

Being the bully's parent can make you question yourself quite a bit. Unii has some advice.