The day of your little one’s birthday party has finally arrived, and they’re beyond excited! One by one their friends begin to arrive and the fun and games can begin. Up first is ‘pass the parcel.’ The music starts and stops, and layer by layer the parcel gets smaller and smaller. Eventually, it lands in a small child’s lap and they excitedly rip the wrapping away to reveal a brand-new action figure. They squeal with delight and the other children crowd around excitedly to see what it is, but one child isn’t very happy. Your child begins to cry and shout that “It’s not fair! I wanted to win!”

Eventually, a big slice of cake calms them down, they rejoin the party, and a game of ‘pin the tail on the donkey’. But when your child goes up for a go, you notice that they’re peeping out from behind their eye mask, cheating to make sure they win. Throughout the day, they get really upset whenever they lose and constantly cheat to win so that by the party’s end, your little one has upset more than one of their friends with their behaviour. It seems their competitiveness is getting a little out of hand.

Being competitive isn’t always a bad thing. Many of us find that a bit of competitiveness can help to motivate us when we’re going through a slump, and there’s no denying that it feels great to win! But what if our children are so competitive that it’s getting in the way of friendships, relationships with siblings, and even their relationships with some adults?

A lot of kids will grow out of their competitive phase, but is there anything we can do to help them in the meantime? Before we delve into a few preventative strategies, let’s first define what we mean by ‘overly competitive’ behaviour.

What does overly competitive behaviour look like?

Your child often cheats to win.

Your child is unable to even consider the possibility of not winning.

Your little one feels the need to always “be the best”.

Your child struggles to take turns and share.

A lot of kids struggle with these issues, but if these behaviours have become a regular occurrence in your household it’s likely your child has developed a competitive streak. But why exactly has this happened?

Why is my child overly competitive?

Here are the top 3 reasons for competitiveness:

They need to feel powerful and seek to control others.

They’re worried about feeling invisible and want to make sure you and other adults notice them.

They learn that this behaviour gets a big reaction from you.

Now that we have an idea of why children are often so overly competitive, what can be done to help pacify these behaviours?

How do I prevent and respond to my child’s competitive behaviour?

If you’re playing a game with your child and others, make sure to pay equal attention to both ‘losers’ and ‘winners’. It’s also important that you let your children experience different outcomes – losing and winning. Yes, we want our kids to win, and we should celebrate their wins, but they must learn that nothing changes when they don’t win, and you will love them just as much!

Don’t turn a blind eye to cheating. While it might make our lives a little easier if they win and don’t throw a tantrum, in the long run, a child who succeeds by cheating will be ill-prepared for a world that won’t always let them do so.

Avoid comparing your child to another, even if you do so positively. When we make comparisons, no matter how small, our kids will quickly imagine that we are forever surveying them, seeing who can do what better – only encouraging their competitiveness.

Use empathic commentary to name any uncomfortable feelings your child might have. For example, “I can see that you really feel like you have to win. And you looked quite worried about what might happen if you lost.” In this way, your child might verbalise a fear you aren’t aware of - you can then help them to overcome it. You can also wonder aloud to help your children explore different outcomes.

“I can see you really wanted to get to the car first and sit in the middle seat. I wonder what would have happened if your brother had gotten there first.”

Avoid trying to have long and logical conversations with your child about competitiveness. It’s a complicated emotion and this will likely only confuse them.

Introduce clear boundaries that reassure all of your children of their equal status. For example, create and enforce rules that allow them to take turns choosing movies, books, games and activities. And be consistent with this. Similarly, make sure everyone gets a chance to speak at mealtimes and during family time.

Your kids might benefit from designated spaces at the kitchen table and even specific spots in the living room. This should put a stop to any competition for specific chairs. If there is one particular chair that they all enjoy sitting in, enforce a turn-taking rule.

What should I do if my child is overly competitive?

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Unii has some management tips.