“Hey, Nicole, I’ll give you some of my chocolate if you give me one of your bracelets!”

“Sally and Pip, if you let me play with you, I’ll invite you both to my birthday party.”

“Jasmine, if you swap seats with me, I’ll tell you a secret.”

Each and every parent will likely recognise the not-so-subtle bribery of a preschooler. Whether they want to join in a game, swap a boring sandwich for a yummy one, or get hold of a certain toy, bribery is a technique common to young children trying their hardest to get whatever it is they so desperately want.

But why, of all the ways to get what you want, do they resort to bribing?

Why do kids use bribery?

When children use bribery as their primary means of getting what they want - whether that’s a toy, a playmate, or a favour - it’s often a tactic they’ve copied from unwitting parents. It’s late, and you’ve had a long day. The kids are refusing to go to bed, and you’re too tired to argue. So eventually, you tell them you’ll take them to their favourite toy shop tomorrow if they go to bed immediately. Whether it’s a bribe of ice cream for eating their dinner, or the promise of some TV time if they pick up their toys, we’ve all been there.

However, bribery can quickly become a problematic behaviour.

Why is bribery a problematic behaviour?

Bribery is not uncommon amongst preschoolers and when used on occasion, it’s not something that needs to be given a great deal of attention. It does however become problematic if it’s their only method for getting what they want. Both children and adults have negative reactions to those who bribe, so they might struggle to make and maintain friendships, eventually seeing their self-esteem suffer.

A further issue is that, if a child uses bribery to get what they want, they fail to learn to be intrinsically motivated to do certain positive actions. For example, if your child tells their preschool friend that they can only sit next to them if they hand over a sweet, your child fails to see the value in inviting someone to sit next to them without any external reward.

On top of this, it’s equally problematic for parents to bribe their children because it teaches them to expect rewards for simply executing their daily responsibilities, in turn leading to a false sense of entitlement. And as previously mentioned, it teaches them to employ the same tactic to get what they want.

So our children need to be taught alternative and positive ways to get what they want. How can we, as parents, do this?

How do we teach our children more appropriate ways to get what they want?

After having observed when and how your child bribes, you’ll probably come to recognise certain cues that tell you they are about to do it. Perhaps they stop what they are doing, begin to look around the room or look intently at an object or person. If you spot them exhibiting their particular signs, go over to them and ask them what it is they would like. Then it’s up to you to choose an appropriate approach and help them go about executing it.

Here are a few examples:

Asking

“You want to play with your sister’s toy cars? Let’s go and ask her if you can use them now.”

Offering

“So you’d like to have a cupcake? Why don't you bring these cookies over and offer some, then maybe they’ll offer you a cupcake, too.”

Sharing

“If you want to use the crayons, why don’t you ask if you can help Jessie draw a picture?”

Waiting

“So you wanted a turn on the swing? Let’s try standing by the swing set and watching, then maybe they’ll ask you if you want to have a go.”

When one of these alternative techniques works, make sure to emphasise its success with positive language.

“See, you had a turn on the swing, and all you had to do was wait a short while!”

Make sure to keep praising, and commenting on any successes to reinforce the effectiveness of these behaviours in your child’s mind. You can gradually cut down on this as bribery begins to decline.

Top tip: When an instance of bribery crops up, it can be best to simply ignore it and pay it no particular attention. This way, your child learns that bribery is in fact not an effective way to get attention and whatever else it is they want.

What should I do when my child bribes?

Unii shares how to teach your preschooler better behaviour.