When it comes to parenting, as joyous and fulfilling as it is, it isn’t always fun and games, and it certainly isn’t easy! And of all things, tantrums are the furthest thing from easy and sit at the very opposite end of the spectrum to fun and games. Whether they don’t want to brush their teeth, they’re refusing to go to preschool, or perhaps their favourite toy is missing, when your typically smiley and chatty youngster is strewn on the floor, wailing and kicking, punching and crying, the situation can sometimes feel impossible, and even worse when it happens in public. But you’re not alone - every parent has been there!

If we want to avoid tantrums, it’s crucial that we first understand why it is that children resort to this seemingly extreme behaviour.

Why do children throw tantrums?

Although tantrums are most common amongst those preschoolers who were excitable babies, as opposed to calmer and placid infants, many youngsters throw tantrums. During preschool, children find a new-found freedom and independence previously unknown, and when parents and teachers threaten to take this away, there might be somewhat of a clash.

On top of this, preschoolers are still very young and immature and haven’t yet learnt to always react and communicate in socially acceptable ways. So when they don’t get what they want, perhaps they scream, throw themselves on the floor, pound their fists and kick their feet, or maybe even cry. And inevitably, we do our best to stop the behaviour. The trouble is, when children exhibit these extreme behaviours, it’s very difficult to negotiate with them, and sometimes, although we know we mustn’t, the only answer seems to be to give them what they want. In turn, they learn that tantrums not only get them attention, but possibly even the toy they were crying for, the food they demanded, the extra thirty minutes of TV, or whatever else may have caused them to react so strongly.

And before long, they’re repeating the behaviour more and more. So if we can’t reason with them and if telling them off only encourages tantrums, how do we prevent them?

How do we go about preventing tantrums?

If tantrums have become a regular occurrence in your household, there are a few strategies you can combine to effectively put a stop to this difficult and draining behaviour:

Ignore tantrums

Let’s imagine that your little one is having a tantrum because you refused them the bowl of ice cream they demanded after dinner. Before you know it, their tiny fists and feet are pounding the floor and they’re screaming at the top of their lungs. When this happens, do your very best to ignore the behaviour entirely. If possible, leave your child where they are and go about your business, acting as if they are not in the room. Keep your ear tuned into the child, but avoid making eye contact. And if the tantrum comes to an end, go to them and, without mentioning the tantrum, find something to entertain them. Perhaps you could complete a puzzle or play a board game. If they resume their tantrum, as difficult as it may be, walk away and ignore the behaviour until it stops.

Reinforce appropriate behaviours

As you ignore tantrums, you should also let your child know which behaviours you value and consider appropriate. When they behave well, for instance when they negotiate instead of getting angry, offer them plenty of praise, positive commentary and hugs. If you regularly praise the behaviours you want to see, they’ll learn that this is the most effective way to get your attention, and if the attention is positive they’ll feel a greater sense of satisfaction. In this way you reinforce good behaviour, encouraging them to keep it up.

Find alternative behaviours

Tantrums will usually come from a place of anger and frustration, and while it’s important that your child knows these feelings to be normal, they must learn that there are more acceptable reactions than tantrums. But how do we teach them this?

If you see a potential tantrum situation, do the following:

Go to your child and take any measures that might be required to prevent aggressive behaviour. This might be wrapping them in a hug or gently laying your hands on their arms to restrict movement.

Come down to their level and empathetically acknowledge how they are feeling. For instance, say, “I know. It makes you feel angry when you have to go to bed.”

Encourage them to express how they feel.

Now ask them, “What can we do about it?” and explore alternatives for handling the situation. Perhaps they can be read a story before bed, or maybe you could make a game of putting on their pyjamas, perhaps it’s as simple as saying goodnight to all of their toys. Help them to explore options and come to an alternative.

By the end, offer plenty of praise for your child’s handling of the situation and let them know how pleased you are. If they begin to throw a tantrum at any point, ignore the behaviour following the method discussed earlier.

What should I do when my child throws a tantrum?

Keep calm and carry on. Unii tell you how.