How do you deal with toddler vs. preschooler fights? Does it feel like more kids, more problems in your home? Managing two children at close but different developmental stages can test the patience of any parent. If they aren’t fighting with each other, they’re fighting for your attention. How do you deal with jealousy? How should you respond to their conflicting requests? Should you referee every fight? Some parents will have a strict disciplinarian approach to conflict (though it is always illegal to physically discipline your child in the UK except for cases of “reasonable punishment"—a vague term which is not defined in the legislation—in England and Northern Ireland), while others will take a more thoughtful view. Let’s look at how you can take the latter, gentler perspective.

You are a conflict monitor, not a conflict manager.

Conflict is a part of life and relationships, sometimes involving healthy expressions of emotions and autonomy. Your children need to learn to navigate it, as well as to come to their own resolutions. This doesn’t mean you should let them tear one another apart, it’s important to intervene and enforce boundaries when there are safety concerns. You can remind them about taking turns or suggest different activities that promote sharing and cooperation. However, allowing them to sort things out themselves as far as is safely possible will benefit them in the long run.

Take a neutral stance when you intervene.

Letting your children set your emotional barometer will drain your energy. When you have to intervene in a physical fight, try to set a peaceful tone, use a calm voice, and reinforce boundaries they already know exist. Calm behaviour implies that you trust your children, and people who believe they have your trust are encouraged to perform at their best. You can also make them feel seen by asking if they need a break from whatever they’re doing or seeking to distract them with something they can both enjoy. Try not to repeatedly apportion blame, even if one child is more difficult to control than the other. This will give them a sense that they are somehow “the bad child” in your eyes, and they may play up to that title over time.

Don’t tell them not to be jealous of one another.

If you’re supporting one child and the other wants your attention, try not to dismiss the first child. Acknowledge their feelings out loud, let them know you hear them and you will be with them shortly. In a family with a preschooler and a toddler, it will often be the preschooler complaining when the toddler needs you. It is OK to explain that the toddler is younger and needs extra attention, but he/she is a big boy/girl and can either be patient or be mum’s helper.

It is sometimes difficult for small children to verbalise the strength and nature of their emotions, which can frustrate them. The Child Mind Institute recommends that parents offer them a traffic light system or smiley face system (you could put a poster with pictures of a traffic light or emojis on the wall of the playroom), to signpost or emphasise how they feel in a way that makes them feel that you and their sibling are seeing them. You can ask them questions that prompt them to use it.

Set an example.

It’s never a good idea to fight with your partner in front of your children, no matter how young they are. However, if you can role model a small disagreement, explaining clearly how you are feeling and how you propose to resolve things, you can show them the essential harmony that keeps you together. Love is hopefully abundant in your home, even when you don’t have the energy or time to articulate it, and you won’t regret teaching them how well you can treat those you care about. You are their primary role models for all things, and the way you treat each other will inform how they are with one another as well as people outside the home. Use “I” statements to emphasise how you are owning and voicing your own feelings. Avoid statements that sound like you are apportioning blame or accusing your partner.

Create and stick to a routine.

Routines aren’t always easier to keep, but when you stick to them, they can make your home more peaceful. Your children will find sharing you easier if they know they’ll each get their own time with you on an everyday basis. If each day feels different, you’re seeding the idea that it’s every kid for themselves, and if they do not fight, that quality time may never happen.

When to seek professional help

One child demonstrating abusive behaviour towards another or endangering their safety on a regular basis falls outside the scope of this article's advice. Please seek professional help from your paediatrician or child psychiatrist.

Take time for yourself, mum!

Sometimes it is very difficult to keep from losing it with your children. Dads tend to be more up for physical games or rough and tumble play with their children, which could wear them out to the point that fights are forgotten. Studies have linked paternal rough and tumble play to many social, emotional, and behavioural child outcomes, including reduced aggression and increased self-regulation, though the research is not entirely parental gender restricted, and it’s just as beneficial if you want to try this play yourself.

If you can’t rely on a partner for support, reach out to grandparents or other trusted caregivers to give you some time off. Sometimes children behave more calmly simply because they are in the presence of guests, and grandparents are often keen to instil good old-fashioned manners in children from an early age. Let them!

For more advice on supporting your toddler’s behavioural development, watch Unii’s Toddler Health and Development Journey with Dr. Nisha Patel.

What should I do when my toddler and preschooler fight?