Your toddler has had a long day of excitement and play, and now it’s time for bed. But when you ask them to put their toys away and get into their pyjamas, they’re more than a little reluctant. They shout “No!” over and over again, refusing to brush their teeth, refusing to go upstairs, and refusing to do just about everything! And eventually, they drop to the floor, burst into tears, and pound their tiny fists and feet with frustration. They’re having a bad temper tantrum and nothing you do seems to help. Understandably, you wonder to yourself - What can I do about tantrums?

Before we delve into coping strategies, let’s quickly identify what a tantrum is and which behaviours fall under this term.

What is a tantrum?

A tantrum is an uncontrolled emotional outburst of anger or frustration that typically occurs in response to unmet needs or desires. Your child will likely cry, scream, throw things, push you away, and stamp their feet or pound the floor with their fists.

But why do they happen?

Why do tantrums happen?

When a toddler has a tantrum, they’re communicating that something hasn’t gone their way. They’re frustrated and angry, or perhaps they want to be in control. With a limited vocabulary and understanding of their many emotions, they struggle to express their needs and feelings, so they resort to a tantrum.

Let’s take a more detailed look at the reasons why your toddler may have a tantrum:

Your child’s language skills have not developed enough to articulate what they need in a healthy way.

Until problems can be negotiated verbally between parent and child, the only way a child can deal with a disagreement is to have a huge physical and emotional response to a situation they don’t like.

They are responding to the initial surprise that life doesn’t always go according to what they want and expect.

They are learning that their personal preferences don’t always fit into what other people want.

They are yet to learn that anger and intense distress are part of the human experience and do not lead to disaster or catastrophe.

They need to be caught in between the impulse to strike out (hit, kick, bite) and the fear of its consequences in order to develop a conscience and a greater awareness of self and others.

Now that we know what tantrums are and why they happen, let’s find out what can be done to prevent and quell them.

How can I help my toddler cope with a tantrum?

Here are some ways you can help your toddler’s tantrums:

Understand your child’s triggers and try to avoid them. For example, if your little one has tantrums when sharing a certain toy, buy 2 of the same toy, so your kids can play with them separately. If your toddler has tantrums when hungry, think about giving them bigger snacks or pushing mealtimes forward a little.

Offer up a cuddle or a pat on the back. When our kids experience a tantrum, they go through a host of difficult emotions, from frustration to anger, anger to sadness, sadness to regret. These emotions are very intense for a young child, and a calming hug or back rub lets them know you are there and that you still love them deeply.

Stand nearby and keep offering help. If they don’t want a hug, stay nearby and continue to offer your help. “I’m here for you if you need some help to calm down. We can have a cuddle when you’re ready.”

If they’re hurting you or someone else, remove them. If they’re throwing toys at their sibling or trying to hit you, remove them from the situation (if possible), letting them know that “I can’t let you hit me. It hurts and I don’t like that. Would you like to hit these cushions instead?”

Set up a calm place. You can also set up a calm space for them, separate to a time-out zone, full of soft cushions and a few cuddly toys, and direct them towards it if they’re getting upset or in the midst of a tantrum.

Help them to make amends. Once they’ve calmed down, it’s really important that you help them to make amends. Whether that’s apologising to a sibling and giving them a hug, helping to clean up a mess they’ve made, or calmly getting ready for bed. This teaches them to take responsibility when things go wrong.

Reconnect and chat when they are calm. If you feel something useful can be gained by talking about it, wait until they’ve calmed down and then wonder aloud why the tantrum might have happened. This will help you both to reconnect and have the relevant conversation.

What solutions are there for toddler tantrums?

Keep calm and a take Unii's advice.