Most parents will be all too familiar with the many variations of ‘no’s’ and ‘I won’ts’ that children come up with; refusals to go to bed and put away their toys or to come and sit down for lunch. And we cope as best we can - often coming up with a disciplinary response on the spot, and occasionally losing our tempers.

But some responses to misbehaviour work much better than others and some, when used repeatedly, have very lasting and damaging effects on children. So it’s important that we take a look at our own disciplinary style, how effective or potentially harmful it truly is. And then, we can go about making any necessary changes.

On the surface, discipline teaches children to behave in a manner deemed acceptable by society as a whole. However, thoughtful and careful disciplinary styles can do so much more! They can teach children to think of others and promote healthy and positive behaviours, whilst providing structure and stability to their life.

It’s generally thought that there are five common methods of discipline, and that most families use a combination of two or three.

So what are the different methods of discipline and which are you employing with your own kids?

Positive discipline

The idea behind positive discipline is that it guides your child towards good behaviour and self-control, but not in a way that forces them to obey instructions. By encouraging children to understand their feelings and manage their own behaviours, positive discipline builds self-esteem, promotes self-motivation and control, and teaches kids to take responsibility for their actions. Positive discipline doesn’t involve any form of physical punishment or shaming.

Gentle discipline

As with positive discipline, parents who use gentle discipline will not subject their children to any physical punishment, nor will they use emotions to punish. Instead, they provide respectful negative consequences, such as time-outs. Parents take their child’s feelings very seriously and involve the child when problem-solving. Gentle discipline is a great way to teach children to think of others and help them understand the negative and positive consequences of their actions.

Emotion coaching

In this method, children are taught to recognise and embrace their emotions, encouraging them to put their feelings into words instead of simply acting upon them. Parents practising emotional coaching need to be aware and comfortable with their own emotions and readily available to discuss them. In doing so, they encourage children to describe and understand their feelings.

This method teaches them that there are solutions to their misbehaviour and that they can develop these on their own. For example, if a child is angry and reacts by breaking something, they could be instructed to make a list of what else they could have done to vent their frustrations. Perhaps they could have run around the garden or painted an angry picture. Next time they’re struggling to vent their feelings, they can reference the list and take out their frustration in a more appropriate manner. Alongside this, positive behaviour is encouraged as often as possible with praise.

Boundary-based discipline

Boundary-based discipline believes that children feel safer when boundaries are clearly set in place. The rules are made very transparent, and the consequences of breaking said rules are laid out ahead of time. The rules must remain consistent, and the consequences have to be carried out. In this way, the children know exactly what happens when they misbehave.

Behaviour modification

This method sees a parent set positive and negative consequences to encourage good behaviour and discourage bad behaviour. For example, “you can go and play outside if you eat all of your broccoli, but there’s no playtime if you don’t.”

Within these differing disciplinary styles come several more specific disciplinary tactics, some good and some bad. Let’s first examine the positive.

What are effective disciplinary tactics?

Time-out

Sending children to time-out is a common and effective disciplinary tactic. Time-out is supposed to be set in a rather boring and quiet place, away from distraction. The bedroom is a poor choice as it will likely be full of toys and should be seen as a safe space, not somewhere associated with punishment. Time-out seems to work because children feel lonely and bored when separated from their parents and siblings. In turn, they behave differently in the future.

Taking away or threatening to take away items and privileges

Simply put, this method sees the removal or threatened removal of certain items and privileges. For example, ‘If you don’t finish your homework soon, you can’t play on the PlayStation later.’ The threat is designed to motivate the child to change their behaviour to get what they want. Just bear in mind that this tactic should never be applied to necessities like food and drink.

Which disciplinary tactics should I avoid?

Shaming and comparing

Shaming usually involves making comments about a child and their character.

“You’re very naughty! You’re behaving like a baby!” or “Why can’t you be more like your sister? Nobody else is behaving like you are!”

Words can do such a lot of harm! When they repeatedly hear these phrases, children begin to feel unworthy and do everything they can to please you, only to eventually give up when they find it’s an impossible task. Shaming and comparing damage a child’s self-esteem and their identity that’s still being shaped at this young age.

Sending to bed without supper

Given that children won’t generally starve if they miss just one meal, some parents do employ this rather cruel tactic. But this tactic won’t actually do much to modify a child’s behaviour because instead of thinking about what they have done, they think about being hungry whilst feeling rejected and unloved.

Scaring kids into behaving with stories

Although it’s often done in jest, telling children stories of scary characters who will come and steal them away for being naughty or not going to sleep remains a fairly common disciplinary tactic. Santa Claus is an example of a less frightening myth that still sees children desperate to please or risk losing their Christmas presents. Given that young children really do believe in these things, it is a rather cruel approach to discipline.

Physical punishment

Spanking or even smacking is a punishment still used by some parents today. It’s prohibited in many countries, not only because the child might be seriously hurt but also because it teaches them that harming someone you love is okay. Children who are punished by physical means also tend to be more aggressive later in life.

Which disciplinary styles and tactics am I using?

Unii shares what can help and hinder your child's development.