Let’s be real for a second, being a parent can be hard, and not losing your temper with your children once in a while can be even harder!

We’re all human, regardless of whether we’re parents or not. Our buttons get pushed, we experience uncomfortable and unwanted feelings, and sometimes we lose control of our emotions. While we can’t always have control over what feelings come up for us, what we can have control over is how we choose to respond to them.

But in order to learn how to control our responses to our feelings, we need to understand them better in the first place.

So, let’s understand more about why parents may lose their temper with their children.

A useful way to recognise when you’re having a meltdown with your children is to go by the acronym FART (Feelings, Automatic, Reactive, Toxic). This acronym (however amusing it may be on the surface) will help you make sense of what is happening inside, and understand that many other parents will be experiencing the same thing!

Feelings. Losing your temper generally starts with experiencing big feelings, not just rage or anger. You could be feeling sad, powerless, confused, stressed, annoyed, anxious, guilty, shameful, or embarrassed. It may surprise you that you could also have been feeling positive emotions before losing your temper, as these can be extremely triggering too. Try not to feel frustrated with your feelings, as they are natural, normal, and part of being human.

Automatic. Following on from recognising the big feeling you’re experiencing, take a moment to think about the fact that a lot of meltdowns are automatic. They’re not international nor conscious. When you explode at your children from time to time, try to remember that this isn’t always logical. It’s a predictable outcome, caused by neurological, biological, and developmental processes.

Reactive. Reactivity can be thought about in two ways. The first definition of reactivity is when we do or say something in reaction to another event or person. Although the reasons behind our reactions are sometimes very obvious, other times it might be an amalgamation of events that have built up over months or even years. The second definition of reactivity is our brains acting in response to a perceived or real threat. As our brains aren’t great at telling the difference between minor issues and serious problems, we can often end up overreacting over things we don’t really need to. Whatever the cause behind your reactivity, it’s always best to identify what you are reacting to, and find a healthy way to heal your inner pain.

Toxic. Although losing your temper with your child from time to time is normal, these explosions can sometimes happen in more toxic ways than others. For example, insulting and threatening your child, or resorting to hitting, spanking, slapping, or throwing things. Although this behaviour is serious and definitely needs to stop, this doesn’t mean you can’t find forgiveness for yourself and learn to work through it. In these situations, it’s always best to speak to someone like a therapist, doctor, or counsellor, as they will have strategies to help you deal with toxic explosions and reconnect with your child.

Why do I lose my temper with my children?