With a busy day ahead, you’ve booked a friendly babysitter to come over and take care of your little one whilst you’re away. The babysitter arrives nice and early, and though your toddler is a little shy, they seem to be getting on very well. But as you prepare to leave, slipping your feet into a pair of shoes and zipping up your coat, your toddler rushes over and throws their arms around your legs. They bury their face into your jeans and, between teary gulps, beg you not to go. Giving them a great big hug and a kiss on their now wet cheek, you promise to be back before they know it, but the tears show no sign of stopping.

Eventually, you make it out the front door and go on your way, but just a few hours later, you get a call from the babysitter asking you to come home. They’ve tried everything they can to distract and comfort your little one, but they’re past consoling and even refusing to eat. So you cancel the rest of your plans and head home, much to your toddler’s delight. What’s going on? Shouldn’t they be able to get along without you for a day? Does this mean you can’t leave them with others going forward?

Many kids will suffer from some form of separation anxiety, and while many will grow out of it, it can be really difficult for both children and parents. So, we’ve put together a few methods to help you prevent and alleviate separation anxiety.

But first, let’s clarify what separation anxiety is and how it manifests.

What is separation anxiety, and what does it look like?

Separation anxiety is a condition whereby a child becomes extremely anxious when separated from their parents. Separation anxiety can even manifest at imagined separation.

If one or more of the following rings true, your child may suffer from separation anxiety:

They panic and desperately cling to you as you leave.

They reject efforts to be distracted or consoled when you’re away.

They struggle to sleep when you’re not there.

They often express fears that something will happen to a loved one.

They constantly monitor your whereabouts and refuse to let you close the bathroom door etc.

Your child is physically sick or has stomach pain when you’re away.

So why does my child get separation anxiety?

There are plenty of different causes for separation anxiety, but the most common include:

Changes to the environment, including a new sibling, a move, or beginning at a new childcare centre.

Insecure attachment between a child and their primary caregiver, where a toddler feels and fears that a parent’s love is conditional.

In some cases of overprotective parents, their own fears and anxieties are felt and manifested by the child.

So, now that we have a better understanding of what separation anxiety can look like and what might cause it let’s find out how we can best help our kids to cope with it.

How can I help my child through separation anxiety?

Avoid overnight separations. If your toddler shows signs of separation anxiety, avoid any overnight separations for now and wait until they’re a little older.

Make sure your child is familiar with their substitute caregiver. This will take time and potentially a few sessions of getting to know one another with you there but will make all the difference. If you can stick to one babysitter and one care centre your child knows and feels comfortable with, all the better.

Help the substitute caregiver understand your child and their routine. Make them aware, as much as possible, of your child’s likes and dislikes and their worries and fears, and encourage them to talk about you when you’re gone, that it’s okay to miss you and that you’ll be back soon.

Provide tangible reminders of your presence. For younger toddlers, physical reminders of their parents that can be held are really comforting. Photos of you together and even audiotapes of your voice can soothe an anxious child.

Let your child know before separation takes place. Before major separations, such as the beginning of a new childcare arrangement, explain what’s going to happen a few days beforehand. Explain in simple terms where your toddler will be, what they’ll be doing, and who they’ll be doing it with, and let them ask questions. Make sure to also reassure them that you’ll be thinking of them and that you’ll always come back.

Let them know what will happen once you’re back. It will also help to provide concrete examples of what you’ll do together once you’re back. Whether that’s having a hug and then eating some pizza or cuddling on the sofa before going for ice cream.

Engage in activities that help them master separation anxiety. Practise being apart through games like hide-and-seek or peek-a-boo and encourage them to re-enact separation experiences with dolls and toys.

Never threaten your child with your going away. These threats will terrify a child suffering from separation anxiety as they’ll take your word for the absolute truth.

What to do after a separation. Once you’re reunited, be prepared to encounter signs of ambivalence. Your child is trying to control their feelings of abandonment by keeping some emotional distance from you. Try not to take this personally but stay nearby, offering hugs and back rubs when they’re ready. You should also let your little one know how happy you are to be together again and that you missed them a great deal whilst you were gone.

Why does my child get separation anxiety, and how can I help them?

How can you make your children more independent? Unii explains.