You’ve planned a lovely day out with your child, filled with fun and excitement! You’re looking forward to the look on their face and maybe even a “thank you” at the end of the day. But as the day progresses, your child is getting more annoyed and they don’t seem happy. Arguments ensue, hurtful things are said, and the entire day is ruined. You may wonder- Why does this keep happening? Why is my child responding this way when I want to treat them?

The way children react to being treated nicely can sometimes be a minefield of emotions. You would think that treats and kindness would be met with great behaviour and expressions of gratitude. But sometimes a child doesn’t see it that way. One of the main reasons behind this is that they are self-sabotaging their own happiness. If children aren’t made aware of this behaviour, it can stay with them through their teenage years and even into adulthood.

Don’t worry! It may seem like a lot to wrap your head around, but we’re here to explain what this behaviour is, why it happens, and solutions to help your child through this difficult phase in their development.

Remember, there are no bad children, only bad behaviours!

Wait, self-sabotage? What even is that?

To explain this, we need to know what self-sabotage looks like. Here are the 4 key signs a child might be developing self-sabotaging behaviour:

On nice days out, the child's behaviour deteriorates and ‘spoils everything.’

As special days, such as birthdays or Christmas approaches, the child’s behaviour worsens and becomes more challenging.

They destroy work that has received praise.

The child destroys belongings that they have treasured.

This confusing behaviour is grounded in several reasons, which we’ll look at now.

Why is my child acting out in anticipation of enjoyable things?

These are the 4 major reasons why children fall into these harmful patterns of behaviour:

The child believes that they do not deserve nice things. This can stem from past trauma or being repeatedly told they are unworthy.

A sense of distrust. The child might not trust the integrity of the person giving gifts or their positive praise.

They might fear change or transitions, even if it’s a positive experience. By trying to return everything back to normal, the child can avoid change or surprises in their environment.

They might be having a sensory overload with these new experiences. If a child has not learned methods to help mitigate sensory overload, this can lead to deteriorating behaviour when they are triggered.

It is important to note that if a child ruins a gift or experience, it’s never coming from a well-thought-out plan to destroy your hard work. It almost always comes from a place of anxiety, and is usually subconscious and spontaneous.

Now that we’ve identified why the child is displaying this behaviour, let’s look at solutions for helping your little ones through this difficult phase in their development.

What solutions can I use to stop my child’s behaviour from worsening?

Here are the top strategies for keeping your child’s behaviour regulated during treats and nice experiences:

The main strategy is to manage your expectations. A positive result should be seen as a bonus, not a given! Understand what your expectations are for the event, and what your child’s expectations are likely to be. This way, you won’t be disappointed when they give you a reaction you don’t want.

It’s extremely hard not to give big reactions when they appear ungrateful. But remember, this is what the child wants! This feeds into their belief that they’re unworthy of the gift and of your love. A few deep breaths can help to ground you before you give a neutral, low-energy response.

If your child’s behaviour is escalating, it can be tempting to withhold the gift or withdraw from the day out as a punishment. Again, though, this just feeds into what they want, and the punishment becomes an unrelated consequence of their behaviour.

Try not to overhype a day out or gift before it happens. This can put undue pressure on the child. Instead, mention it offhandedly, and try not to phrase it as a special occasion.

Avoid making the nice gesture a surprise. A sudden transition can really affect a child’s behaviour. Unless you’re secure in your child’s behaviour and know their anxiety levels when it comes to transitions, keep surprises off the table for now.

Avoid telling the child off, or bribing them when their behaviour seems to be deteriorating. This can create a cycle of the child noticing you’re anxious, and subsequently upping their anxious behaviour. Again, deep breaths and neutral language can go a long way to communicating with your child.

When explaining to the child why their behaviour isn’t okay, use language that relates to your child’s experience rather than your own. For instance, if they wreck a new toy, instead of saying, “Why did you do that? I spent so much money on that toy!” you can say, “It’s a shame you broke your new toy. You won’t be able to have another one for a while now. Does that make you feel sad?”

If a child produces a good piece of work, try not to go overboard with the praise, even if you’re really proud. A child might think you’re being dishonest with your big reaction, thinking you have an ulterior motive. Instead, you might say, “That's an interesting picture, tell me more about it.”

Talk with the child about their feelings and emotions. Use empathetic language that highlights that the child is deserving of love. For example, “I know you have a good heart” or “I will always love you.” This might be a lengthy process before the child really believes they’re worthy of being loved and praised. Hang in there!

Self-sabotage is a complicated subject that needs a lot of understanding for both child and parent to heal. Using these strategies and understanding your child’s inner image of themselves can help them to realise that they are worthy of your love.

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