Why is my shy toddler turning aggressive?

Your toddler used to be the quiet one that hid behind you timidly when you met new people. Now they shout and scream at their friends when they don’t get what they want. You wonder, why has my shy toddler suddenly turned so aggressive?

This sudden change in how your toddler expresses themselves is very common at this stage of their development. And do you know one of the biggest reasons for this personality shift? Parent overprotectiveness! Likely, your child has not been taught to deal with the discomfort of their emotions so they lash out.

It is so natural for parents to want to make sure no harm comes to their little ones. But if you are jumping up in a panic every time your child simply sneezes, they do not learn to tolerate moderate levels of discomfort on their own.

Even though overprotectiveness is one of the most common reasons for your child’s sudden aggression, there are other reasons to consider when exploring why shyness can take an aggressive turn.

A child may have endured physical or emotional abuse.

A child may have witnessed violent exchanges between their parents.

A child may be overwhelmed by stimulation, including the demands from parents that they cannot meet.

If a child wants to control and master a frightening situation.

Parents who are overly worried or intimidated by their child’s vulnerabilities create an expectation in the child that they are entitled to instant gratification because they are too fragile to cope with anything. Aggression then becomes the only coping mechanism available to the child to ward off perceived danger.

What does aggression look like?

Scratching and biting others.

Flying into rage in response to minimal frustration.

Hitting others.

Spitting at strangers.

Crying in anger for long periods of time when reprimanded.

An intense distrust of strangers.

One of the most effective ways to calm your child’s aggressiveness is to learn how to regulate your overprotectiveness.

How to not overprotect your child.

Don’t drop everything to attend to your child. If you’re in the middle of something and your toddler appears frustrated, allow them to be with their frustration by allowing them space. After a while, if your child really needs your help, you may gently and calmly want to attend to your child.

Teach your child to consider your needs too. When your child calls out in frustration, consider saying, “just a moment. I need to finish what I’m doing first.” This helps your child understand that other people’s needs, not only their own, should be taken into account.

Manage your own discomfort at seeing your child in distress. We know it’s not easy to see our children in moments of discomfort, but it’s important that they learn how to deal with difficult situations themselves. This makes them much more resilient and adaptable as they get older. Remember to take deep breaths and trust that this difficult experience is something your child can endure.

Encourage your child to solve small problems independently instead of helping them at the first sign of frustration. Be relaxed and calm, and reassure your child that they are more than capable of dealing with the task at hand.

Why is my shy toddler turning aggressive?

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