“No” is many a preschooler's favourite word. Other phrases of choice include, but are not limited to, “I will not!’, ‘I don’t want to!”, and sometimes a straightforward scream or shout will suffice. When we ask our children to do something, something we know to be important and not particularly difficult, and they say “no”, it can be incredibly frustrating. It is, however, entirely normal and healthy for our children to go through phases of non-compliance, especially at preschool age.

But why exactly is that?

Why do children often not do what they’re asked?

When someone asks us to do something, we, as adults, get to make a choice (at least most of the time) whether to comply or not. We can tell the man serving us our morning coffee, “No, I don’t want sugar” or we reply to our boss with, “Yes, I can get that paperwork done by 12:30”. Children, however, are oftentimes simply expected to do as they’re told.

“You need to put your toys away now . . . It’s time to go to bed . . . You need to get dressed!”

With so many requests, can we really blame them for their non-compliance once in a while?

It’s only natural then that preschoolers will experiment and practise saying “no” when they don’t want to do something, and it's an important part of learning to socialise successfully. More often than not, it’s a phase they will grow out of, though it may prove more common in certain children. But it is not the children who have something in common. Rather, it’s their parents and caregivers who show an inconsistent following through of what they request of their kids. When adults do not actually require compliance from their children, their kids begin to learn that by simply resisting long enough, they do not have to do as they are told.

A habit of frequent and consistent non-compliance can lead to problems later in life, so it’s important that our kids learn to be responsive to reasonable requests from adults that play a significant part in their life.

Now, let’s take a look at how we can gently encourage our children to follow our instructions.

How do I guide compliant behaviours in children?

When our kids make a habit of non-compliance, the first step is to examine our own behaviours and expectations. Our children need to be able to make decisions and practise independence, so if they’re living in a household full of illogical rules that don’t allow them to make both good and bad decisions on their own, they’re much more likely to exercise defiance.

It’s important then to keep rules simple and few, and most important of all, make sure they understand the reasoning behind each one. Much like adults, children will be more likely to comply if they understand why they must do something. So think from the perspective of your child and explain rules in such a way that makes sense to them at this young age.

On top of this, our children need plenty of time every single day to run around outside, play their favourite games inside, and simply have fun. When a child’s day is crammed full of all sorts of busy tasks that they don’t enjoy or have a say in, they will be desperate to have some fun and inevitably practice non-compliance when they don’t get it. If you allow your child to have a say and make sure they get plenty of essential playtime, they’ll be far less inclined to refuse when you ask them to come to dinner or brush their teeth. Tiredness can also lead to non-compliance, so make sure their day consists of a healthy balance of rest and play.

Finally, there are many amendments you can make to your language and actions that can be pivotal when it comes to guiding compliant behaviour in your child. Let’s look at a few tips:

The importance of language and actions

Minimise your requests. Initially, keep things simple and ask only what is necessary of your child.

Non-verbal communication is sometimes more effective than verbal. For example, if you’re both at the park, enjoying the playground’s many exciting features, let them know they have five minutes until home time, and after five minutes, simply head over to them, take their hand, and be on your way.

Wherever possible, give them a choice. “Would you like to put your toys back in the box now?”, instead of, “put your toys away now!”

Avoid giving them direct orders. Both adults and children respond better to requests when they are delivered in a positive and less direct tone, such as, “It would be really great if you could start getting ready for bed now.”

Phrasing is everything. If you can make an everyday request sound exciting and fun, your children will find greater excitement in compliance. “I wonder who can get dressed for bed the fastest!”

And of course, when they do comply, it’s really important that you offer praise and allow your child to see how pleased their behaviour makes you. Positive attention will always trump negative lecturing and scolding.

Why won’t my child do what I say?

Maybe it’s the way you said it. Unii has the solution.