You tuck your little one in and say “goodnight,” but within seconds of leaving their bedroom, they scream, “Mummy, stay!” It’s been going on for a while now, and every time you try to leave your child to fall asleep on their own, you feel so guilty. You’re thinking, I love you, but I’d really love you to be able to fall asleep on your own!

Before we give you some handy tips to help your child fall asleep on their own, let’s take a look at why your child is being extra clingy around bedtime.

Why is this happening to me?

There are a number of reasons why your child is clinging to you at night, refusing to go to bed unless you’re next to them. Let’s take a look at a few:

They’re simply not sleepy. If you put your child to bed before they’re tired, they will do anything they can to avoid going to sleep, including keeping you with them for their own entertainment.

They’re scared. Maybe your little one has been having nightmares, or maybe the way the curtain moves in the night is frightening. The darkness brings about some mysterious noises, which can seem scary for your child; having you beside them makes them feel safe and protected.

They’re worried. Laying still in bed with their own thoughts will naturally bring up the worries of the day for your child—does Harry still like me? Where did I put my purple-haired Barbie? What if I can’t remember my time's tables for the test tomorrow?

They love you. To your child, you represent security, safety, and, of course, love. When you’re next to them, they feel protected and can relax enough to go to sleep.

They want Mummy or Daddy, and no one else will do. Although instinctively, it’s easy to understand this preference, it can be a challenge for mothers to find the energy after'mummying' all day and now needing to be present (and patient!) with their child at bedtime.

They’re used to it. Routine is an important part of training our children. So if you have developed a routine that involves staying with your child every night, it will be hard to break.

Now that we’ve looked at why your child wants you beside them to fall asleep, let’s look at some ways you can help your child fall asleep on their own.

How can I help my child fall asleep by themselves?

We have five ideas for you.

Make a plan and stick to it. Either stay with your child until they fall asleep, encouraging them to fall asleep quickly, or take steps to encourage them to fall asleep on their own. It’s easy for parents to feel “torn”. You don’t want to stay, yet you want to avoid a tantrum at all costs! If you’re inconsistent in your decision to stay or not stay, you’ll just aggravate the situation further.

The “I’ll be back” method When you’ve turned the light off and your child is sleepy, say that you need to check on something, and you’ll be right back. Either “you need to go to the toilet” or "you need to go and find your pyjamas”, leave for a few minutes, then return to your child so they don’t get upset. Check your child’s reaction when you return, and leave it a bit longer each time until “I’ll be back” starts, meaning that you’ll be back in the morning!

Extend the distance between you and your child. Begin by moving yourself an arm’s length away from your little one a little more every night, except leave your hand to reassure them if they need it. Then sit in a chair away from the bed with your hand on your child if needed. If they notice you’re edging away and start resisting, reassure them that “you’ll only be sitting there for a minute”. Keep moving your chair further and further away until you’re sitting outside their bedroom door while reassuring them that you can still see them.

Be predictable. Once you’ve decided on your plan of action, communicate it to your child. Explain the bedroom routine each night, one step at a time. This helps your child be prepared for what’s coming next. For example, “In five minutes, it’s pyjama time, sweetie!”. As they’re putting on their pyjamas, you may want to tell them, “After pyjama time, we’ll brush your teeth, I’ll read you your favourite book, and then I’ll tuck you in before you go to sleep”.

Make a bedroom chart. While verbal reminders are helpful, creating a bedroom chart can be the most effective way to teach your child their bedroom routine. You can illustrate each part of the routine: back rubs, storytime, teeth brushing, reading, and whatever else is involved in your nightly routine, including the specific time you’d like to leave your child’s bedroom. You may even want to include a description or picture of what you’ll be doing after you leave their bedroom—watching TV, writing in your journal, cleaning the house, or going to sleep in your own bed—so they know you’re close by.

What do I do if my child needs my help to fall asleep?

From our Toddler Sleep Journey, we share what to do if your child can’t sleep without you there.