Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 25 and 26 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

Let’s be real here: having a baby is not only going to dramatically alter your sexual life, but it will also change your relationship too. And that’s the point! It’s all part of the adventure and all part of entering this new transformative phase of your relationship! There will be ups and downs, twists and turns, times when you’re having loads of sex, and times when you’re not. The key is to not freak out and worry that these phases are permanent.

Having said that, re-establishing a healthy sexual life post-baby can be a journey. A journey of awkwardness, laughter, grief, disappointment, joy, rejection, emotional connectedness, and distance Finding time and space for your sexual life to get back on track not only takes a hell of a lot of patience but also mutual willingness and understanding.

And even though the journey may be full of unexpected surprises—good and bad—it has the potential to add a new level of depth, trust, and intimacy to your relationship.

So to begin with, let’s take a closer look at what happens to intimacy after a baby has entered the picture.

What happens to intimacy after the baby arrives?

When a baby comes into the picture, many other things get pushed to the side. Couples will often experience less sleep, less time, less freedom, less communication, less privacy, and less intimacy.

Even the happiest, most thriving couples will admit that they found these shifts challenging. So it’s no wonder that with all these moving parts at play, your sexual life can take a back seat.

The thing is, letting your sexual life take a back seat can be problematic not only for your own wellbeing but also for that of your relationship.

So, we would like to present to you the idea of redefining romance in a way that aligns with this new phase of your relationship.

So, what do we mean by redefining romance?

First of all, let’s look at your old ideas of romance. Maybe you and your partner enjoyed sexy weekends away, dressing up, cracking open a fancy bottle of wine, and getting some hot, sweaty action between the sheets. Now that you’ve had a baby, it’s not so easy to do all these things, so instead, we invite you to see romance in a new way: one that involves deeply connecting with your partner emotionally, intimately, and sensually, with its main intention rooted in a genuine desire to support one another.

So instead of that sexy weekend away (which will definitely make its way back on your ‘romancing priority list’ soon—don't worry!), let’s scale it back a bit for the time being. Let’s simplify it. How about reframing your idea of romance to include small and simple gestures like saying “thank you”, doing the dishes, giving a back rub, or simply saying, “I appreciate you”?

This is about redefining romance in a way that brings more connection to your relationship.

So, what are ways that we can redefine romance as a couple?

Here are some useful tips to support you and your partner in bringing new levels of romance into this phase of your relationship.

Leave the housework to me. Your connection is worth having a messy house every now and again. Ask yourselves: What needs your immediate attention, and what can you put off until later? Don’t let intimate time with your partner go to the bottom of your priority list. Even if you start adding 10 minutes a day here and there, carve out a small time for you and your partner to simply be in each other’s presence without any distractions. Wait until the baby is asleep, turn off your phones, and give each other your undivided attention.

Bring back play and spontaneity. We understand that your children need an atmosphere of stability, reliability, and security. So once you become parents, your life becomes repetitive and thrives on routine, habits, and rules. Your intimate connection, on the other hand, thrives in play, unpredictability, and spontaneity. Something fun and spontaneous might include putting on your favourite tune and dancing salsa together, or going outside and watching the stars in the garden—naked!

Say “thank you” for the little things and say it often. Show your partner that you appreciate what they do. Nothing brings back intimacy and closeness more than sincere appreciation.
Be continuously tactile with each other. If you’re the birthing mama, it’s understandable that you might feel all “touched out” from the baby being attached to you all day, but try to leave room for a bit of a bum pinch, a neck kiss, or a handhold. Your relationship also needs attention and closeness. How about taking turns giving each other a sensual massage every now and again?

One of the best ways to build intimacy is through open, raw, and vulnerable communication. Carve out time to share your most vulnerable feelings with each other while listening with a curious and loving ear.

Regularly check in with each other. How are you feeling? Is there anything you need? How can I support you better? This level of care and attention becomes even more important after you’ve had a baby, as it’s very easy for most, if not all, of your attention to transfer to the baby.

How can new parents redefine romance? (part 1)

On our Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, Unii asks how new parents can redefine romance.