Let’s be honest, you will hurt your partner’s feelings sometimes. And they will hurt yours. It’s a normal part of being in a relationship.

Many parents feel they need to hide conflict from their kids. But regardless of whether or not you and your partner try to hide arguments from your baby or the kids, they will always be able to sense tensions between you.

Remember, conflict is normal, and it’s healthy for your little one to know this. But your child (and you) must also understand the importance of repairing the hurt after an argument; how to go about it and that there’s always something important to be learnt from conflict.

Here are some ways that you and your partner can repair the hurt caused after a fight that, in turn, will greatly benefit your observant little ones.

How can my partner and I repair hurt after a fight?

When intentional hurt is purposely inflicted on another during conflict, amends must be made. And for a successful repair, you both need to take responsibility for your part in the fight.

These steps will help you and your partner reconnect and heal after you’ve had an argument:

Take space

When you and your partner are particularly triggered, neither of you are in a reasonable or rational state. When your emotions are heightened, it’s hard – if not impossible – to see things clearly. Take some space to breathe and regulate yourself so you can come back to calm and rational thinking.

Understand what triggered you and the feelings underneath

Get clear on the situation that triggered you and how you feel about it. For example, when your partner is scrolling through their phone while you’re doing important kids' duties, you may feel angry, frustrated, resentful, and unconsidered, which then makes you react in a vengeful and hurtful way. Understanding the vulnerability underneath your triggers will help you take ownership of your response.

Apologise for your part in the fight (and mean it!)

Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You need to take full responsibility for the part you played, which means taking ownership of whatever you said or did that caused hurt. So instead of saying, “I’m sorry you feel/felt XYZ, but [insert your excuse]”, you say, “I’m sorry I said that.” Or instead of saying, “You’re too emotional,” say, “I understand you’re upset, I’m going to work on changing my behaviour.”

Echo your partner

When your partner shares their hurt with you, repeat back to them what you hear them say. This is an active listening technique that not only helps you establish whether or not you’ve understood them correctly, but it also helps your partner feel seen and heard.

Make a request and be specific

During conflict, there’s often an expectation for one partner to “just know” what the other partner wants and needs. But none of us are mind-readers. Making a verbal and specific request about your needs will help to dispel future conflict. For example, “I need ten minutes to myself when I come home from work,” or, “When I’m putting the kids to bed, I'd really like your help.” Then you can figure out a compromise that works for both of you.

Important note: physical violence (slapping, hitting, pushing, throwing things) is never OK and is traumatic for your baby and kids. If physical violence happens in your home you must seek professional help immediately.

How can new parents repair hurt after a fight?

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we share how couples can heal after an argument.