Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 23 and 24 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

Research shows that for many women, libido drops quite significantly after giving birth, especially when they’re nursing too. And quite naturally, the maternal instinct kicks in, which puts the baby at top priority. The instinctual desire to keep the baby alive and well takes precedence over any other desire. And let’s not forget the huge physical changes that women go through, which can bring up a lot of body image insecurities for some women.

What’s more, because the baby is attached to the birthing mother all day long, her need for touch, affection, and sensuality has usually been satisfied, so she may feel like she has “nothing left to give” to her partner or that there is nothing more she needs. This can leave the non-birthing partner feeling neglected and rejected, and both partners may end up feeling alone in what they’re experiencing.

If you resonate with any of this, then please believe us when we say that almost every other parent out there can relate to you. But the good news is, there are plenty of things you can do to reignite the fire and put intimacy back on the menu.

So, we’d like to offer a few tips that can help get you back on track.

How can we support each other through post-baby physiological and psychological changes?

As we said earlier, the experience of having a baby is different for both partners. So here are some tips to help support each other during this phase.

Tips for birthing mothers:

Spend some time reconnecting with your erotic self. Find a quiet space and place your hands on the parts of your body that feel good to you. Some women find that putting one hand on their heart and the other on their womb feels comforting. Offer gratitude to your body and give thanks for what it has gone through. It has gone through so much and needs your love and attention. Do this exercise daily if you can.

Create new boundaries. It’s common for new mothers, especially those who are breastfeeding, to feel ‘over-touched.’ With your baby held to your body most of the day, it’s very normal to feel uncomfortable if your partner touches you. Remember, you are in charge of your physical and emotional space. If you need it, ask your partner if they will give you even just half an hour of alone time per day starting after the baby is born. This will help heal the sense that you’re being touched too much.
If your partner is initiating sex and you feel a strong aversion, instead of feeling frustrated with their advances or expecting them to be able to read that you’re not in the mood, gently tell them what you need and ask them what they need. Maybe you need a little shoulder rub, perhaps it’s a shoulder to cry on, or just 15 minutes alone. Be clear about what you need when you need it, but let them know in a gentle, loving way.

Tips for non-birthing partners:

Understand that it is very normal for the birthing mother to become consumed by the new baby. Instead of seeing this as a rejection or some kind of abandonment, encourage them to redirect their energy from the baby to the couple in a gentle way. For example, “Leave the toys for now and go take a nap”, or “The baby is asleep; let’s have a glass of wine together for 10 minutes before we tidy the house”.

Tell your partner how sexy they are as often as possible. It can be hard for birthing mothers to accept the changes their bodies go through. And even though it’s ultimately up to them to practice loving and accepting their body and finding security in who they are, you can definitely support them along the way. Compliment your partner as often as possible. But make sure you mean it! They will be able to smell insincerity from a mile away.

After the baby’s birth, sex works best when you slow way, way down. Birthing moms need slow foreplay. Talk first, compliment them often, and let them know they are loved and seen as beautiful. When it comes to touch, use gentle movements and slow caresses, and tune into (or ask!) whether your partner wants or needs your touch. If your partner is feeling all touched out from caring for the baby, then balance out the touch with more talk and more positive affirmation. And offer them regular alone time.

Tips for the couple:

Have a game of “What I love about your body”. Sit face-to-face and take turns picking parts of your partner’s body that you love. This may sound like, “I love the curve of your back” or “what I love about your bottom is..." Go through every body part, feeling what it’s like to witness and be witnessed by your partner.

It can feel intimidating to initiate sex if you feel you might be rejected, and it can feel vulnerable to share your body with your partner when it doesn’t even feel like your body anymore. The key is not to overthink bringing sex back into your relationship. It doesn’t exactly sound sexy, but one of the best things you can do to reignite romance is to schedule sex. Agreeing to some action under the covers on a regular basis can help to relieve anxiety and uncertainty. Discuss how often it will feel good for both of you, and carve out some time to do it! For some couples, it helps to schedule it in their diary! Don’t think; just do it! And remember to take it in turns to initiate sex.

If the idea of scheduling sex every day feels a bit daunting to you, and one or neither of you feels ready, then share with each other how you’re both feeling about sex. Find some quiet time when you can sit together and share your fears, whether it's about performance anxiety, lack of sexiness, rejection, and so on. Be completely honest when sharing, and listen to your partner with a non-judgmental ear. Even if you want to butt in with “but I do think you’re sexy!” hold off for now, and just listen. Now describe to each other what you want your sexual relationship to look and feel like. Be as juicy as you like! Then explore ways of integrating these stories into the bedroom!

How do physiological and psychological changes affect a couple’s sex life? (part 1)

On our Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, Unii asks how physiological and psychological changes affect the sex lives of new parents.