It’s inevitable that problems will arise in your relationship. Some will be small, such as not loading the dishwasher properly, and some will be big, such as differences in core values or feelings of underappreciation.

Whatever the problems are, healthy communication is key to any happy, stable, and long-lasting partnership. And the most important thing to remember isn’t what you say, but how you say it. And more importantly, how you start a conversation.

Research shows that, 96% of the time, the way in which a conflicting conversation ends is determined by how it starts.

If you start a conversation with criticism and blame, you will get defensiveness and criticism right back. The result? Anger, frustration, and no resolution.

If you start the conversation softly, vulnerably, and with the intention of finding a solution, you will see amazing results! Again, we want to remind you that your partner is your ally, not your enemy. You’re on the same team, remember?

And that's where the 'soft start-up' comes in.

What is a “soft start-up”?

The three most important elements of a soft start-up are:

Describe the problem you are experiencing without blame.
Express how this makes you feel.

Express what you need (not what you don't need). Make a request.

In “Identifying Your Conflict Style,", we explored the five different styles of reacting to a trigger and ways to deal with it. Keeping your conflict style in mind, we’d like to give you three different examples of starting conversations.

Soft start-ups versus harsh start-ups:

Example 1

Harsh startup: You just don’t care about me, do you? (blame) You put everything else first in your life—your job, your friends, and your phone! And you ignore me and this relationship (blame). You’re selfish and don’t care about anyone but yourself (criticism). You have a better relationship with your phone than me (sarcasm).

Soft startup: When you look at your phone while we are eating dinner instead of talking to me (describing the issue without blame), I feel angry and hurt (expressing feelings). Could you please ask me how I am and tell me about your day? (need/request)

Example 2

Harsh startup: You don’t think I’m attractive anymore, do you? You look at other women so much more now. You’re so much more shallow than I thought (blame and criticism). I know I’m bigger than I used to be, but I’ve just had a baby! Why can’t you just accept me for who I am? (defensiveness and blame)

Soft startup: Because I’ve put on weight after having a baby (describing issue without blame), I’m worried I’m not attractive enough for you anymore, and I feel insecure (expressing feeling). I need you to give me a few more compliments and reassurance during this time.

Example 3

Harsh startup: We never have sex anymore, and I’m sick of it. You’re not the woman you used to be (blame and criticism). I get more attention from the cat than I do from you (sarcasm).

Soft startup: When you’re tending to the baby all the time (describing issues without blame), I feel neglected, unprioritised, and uncared for (expressing feelings). I need us to carve out some more private time just for us. Could we maybe call a babysitter this week? (need/request)

How do you bring up a problem in your relationship?

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we share some advice on raising problems gently.