Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 18 and 19 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

We’d like to talk to you about a very common response during conflict: the “fight or flight” response. What’s so interesting about this response is that sometimes we are not even aware that it’s happening, and then, before we know it, BOOM, we’ve bitten our partner's head off!

The “fight or flight” response is the name given to the surging wave of physiological changes that happen in our body, such as a quickened heartbeat accompanied by shallow, fast breathing and a burst of adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormone). This happens as a result of feeling threatened. Whether it’s a seagull flying too low over your head or something your partner has said or done, your body reacts in the same way. Our bodies signal to us that we’re in “danger”, stimulating a variety of responses such as defence, attack, running away, or freezing completely.

All these responses are ultimately designed to keep us safe, but if we are responding from this activated place on a regular basis, it can be damaging to the relationship. So, we’d like to introduce the idea of calling a “time-out”, so both you and your partner are given the opportunity to resolve issues in a calm, respectful way.

Before we explain more about what we mean by “time-out”, let’s take a look at the common signs that let you know you’re heading towards fight-or-flight mode.

What are the signs that I need to call a “time-out”?

When you notice any of these physiological changes, then it’s time to call a "time-out."

A knot in your stomach.
Tightened jaw.
A strangling feeling around your neck
Arms and legs start twitching.
You may freeze completely.

Angry, hurtful words flood your mind.
An impulse to yell and scream.
Quickening or holding of breath.
Sweaty palms.

Now that you’ve identified the tell-tell signs of fight-or-flight mode, how do you call a time-out?

How and when do I call a “time-out”?

Calling a “time-out” is like putting the brakes on a conflict before it escalates to the point of causing damage to the relationship.

When you notice any of the above signs, make an agreement with your partner to take a break and come back to the conflict conversation later on.

Make sure you take a “time-out” for more than 30 minutes and no more than a day or two. You will need at least half an hour for your nervous system to stabilise, and any longer than a day or two can begin to feel like passive-aggressive punishment.

Sometimes it can be difficult to come back to a conflicting conversation when your schedules are jam-packed, a newborn is demanding all of your attention, and there's a mutual desire to just brush it under the rug.

We understand that with kids, work, and house duties, plus everything else on your “to-do” list, it's hard to make time to resolve conflict, but it is something you must at least mutually aim for.

So, carve out a time when you both have the capacity to discuss this further.

Now let’s take a look at how to use the time-out wisely.

What to do during a “time-out”?

At the point of needing a time-out, your nervous system is highly activated, so the key here is to do whatever you find soothing for your nervous system. This will also take your attention away from what has bothered you, helping to diffuse the emotional charge and regulate your nervous system.

There are literally hundreds of ways to self-soothe, but a few ideas you may want to use include going for a walk, dancing, journaling, having a bath, reading, watching TV, stroking your pet, practicing yoga, meditating, playing an instrument, singing, deep breathing, and a particular favourite of ours is imagining sitting in your “happy place” (a beach, a mountain, a lagoon; anywhere that brings your peace).

You can do anything as long as it comforts you and gives you a sense of coming back home to yourself.

To help you and your partner even further, we have designed a couple of exercises to help you take a break and soothe yourself when you feel the temperature rising during conflict.

How do we create our “time-out” ritual?

Discuss with your partner what you can do to signal a “time-out” when one of you is overwhelmed. Some couples like to verbalise "time-out" or use a hand gesture to symbolise “stop”. If the person who called a “time-out” is feeling particularly overwhelmed (emotionally flooded), then it’s up to the other partner to say, “OK, let’s take a break.” Agreeing on this signal helps to develop mutual respect and understanding of each other’s experiences.

When both you and your partner are in a calm, grounded place emotionally and mentally, discuss these questions with your partner:

What signal can we agree on to indicate when we need a time-out?

Can we both agree to give each other a break when one of us is emotionally flooded?

How shall we go about carving out a time to continue the discussion? Should we give it an hour every time we need a break, or shall we decide how long our time-out should be in the moment?

Please also take a look at our self-soothing exercise, which you can do separately or together with your partner.

How do you cool down in the midst of conflict with your partner? (part 2)

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we look at how to calm down in the middle of a fight.