Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 1 and 2 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

What does my birthing partner go through, and how can I support her?

If you and your partner want to be the best possible allies to one another, you’ll first need to at least try to understand each other and your unique experiences. While this may sound a little tricky, you’ve taken the first important and necessary step to help support them on this new journey.

If you are the non-birthing partner, then we’re happy you’re here! Doing what you can to understand your partner's experience is seriously the best thing you can do for your relationship, especially at this stage. Your curiosity and willingness to understand will create more ease for you, more ease for your partner and, as a result, more ease for your baby.

The postnatal period is likely one of the most challenging times in a couple’s life. But if you can do your best to understand what your partner is going through, set aside your ego (at least temporarily!), be incredibly kind, and support her with what she needs, you’re likely to make it through in one piece.

So let's start to understand what the birthing mama might be feeling.

What is your partner likely going through?

For most women, resentment over being the one who had to undergo such a huge physical transformation – while their partner has not – is extremely common. No matter how supportive a partner you are, there will likely be a time when she will resent that your body has remained unchanged while hers carries the burden of a bodily transformation of epic proportions.

There is no getting around the intensity of childbirth, whatever the means of delivery. After birth, the challenges for a woman go beyond sleep deprivation and the stress that comes with looking after this tiny being who depends on her for survival; she is also faced with the task of essentially rebuilding herself from the inside out. For many women, this is the most intense and transformative journey they will ever go through.

So, let’s take a look at how you can support your partner during this phase.

How can you best understand and support the birthing mama?

In many ways, your partner may feel like she has morphed into a different person. Her behaviour may seem strange, out of character and even concerning to you. You may even feel like your partner has done a complete 180 in her affection towards you. But remember, this won’t last, so at least for now, try to grin and bear it. The kinder you can be, the more content and less resentful your partner will feel.

On top of the huge physical upheaval your partner has gone through, they are likely to experience a huge loss of identity and freedom. They may also battle with feelings of not wanting to leave the baby alone but also needing a moment to themselves. Crashing hormones leave women feeling a comedown of immense proportions, and post-birth, their brain undergoes structural changes to adapt to the baby’s needs. So, if you’re having the thought, “What has happened to my usually agreeable partner?”, it may help to remember that they have undergone changes, most of which will revert back.

Once the adrenaline and oxytocin fade following the birth, your partner is going to be one tired-out mama! And from that place, they may not be able to know what it is you need, let alone communicate their own needs. Regularly ask what they need, how they are feeling and how you can help.

After the birth, your partner will have a large internal wound on the inside of her uterus. If she had a vaginal birth, she’ll be bleeding heavily, and perhaps have a challenging time adapting to a change in bodily functions. Doing simple things, like going to the toilet, will likely be a struggle. In fact, sitting down or doing anything at all will probably be very painful. As a new mother, the focus needs to be on them getting as much sleep and rest as possible, as well as feeding their baby. Be an ally in your partner’s physical recovery. Offer to help with the simplest of things like making a cup of tea or turning on the TV so they can sit, relax, and heal.

Sleep increases your ability to cope with pretty much anything. So encouraging your partner to get as much sleep as possible is one of the best gifts you can give her. Getting less than seven hours of sleep on a regular basis will likely lead to a whole array of serious side effects. Getting a good night's sleep – which may feel close to impossible as new parents – needs to be top of your priority list. Your baby relies on the mama being well-rested. Even if you have to initially sleep in separate beds, do whatever it takes to help her get a better night's sleep!

Your partner has essentially experienced a traumatic event, which often results in mild PTSD. So don’t be surprised if she is a lot more angry and irritable than usual. If there is ever a time to endure her rage, snide remarks and emotional outbursts, it’s now. Try not to take it personally, but if this does continue for more than a few weeks, then gently encourage her to talk to her midwife or get professional support from a trained counsellor or therapist. Follow your instincts – if your partner’s mood swings and periods of melancholy seem like anxiety or depression, seek support. But do consider whether you are the best person to deliver this advice. Sometimes our partners need to hear this from a friend, a family member, or a medical professional for it to really sink in.

Your partner needs space to process their emotions and shed their tears post-birth. So, if you're a bit of a 'fixer' – someone who doesn't like to see their partner upset and feels the need to do something about it – allow them some space to process their feelings, even if it does make you feel uncomfortable. Instead of immediately wading in, listen to your partner, be a shoulder to cry on, and keep asking them if there's anything they need.

Most women find sex painful after birth and can still find it uncomfortable six months later, even more in some cases. Regularly invite your partner into a conversation about where she’s at. After all, having potentially uncomfortable conversations will only bring you closer. Also, find alternative ways to explore intimacy such as running her a bath, giving her a foot massage, and taking the lead with inviting an intimate chat about vulnerable subjects.

If you’re missing intimacy rather than sex, it can help to reassure your partner that it’s not sex that you’re after, it’s connection. Hold her and share soothing words with her. Keep remembering that your sex life is not doomed, it’s just going to look a bit different for a while. You may find that you do not have a desire for sex either with all the stress, sleep deprivation and lack of time. This is very normal so don’t worry! It just means you’re both going through an adjustment period. Keep honouring the various cycles that you will inevitably travel through as a couple.

With your little one almost constantly attached to the birthing mum’s bosom, most women report feeling ‘touched out’ and that they have ‘nothing left to give’ after being with the baby all day. So don’t be surprised if this means she doesn’t have as much time for you. If she flinches at your hand touching her and prefers to sleep alone rather than next to you, try not to feel too rejected. For many women, while they are breastfeeding, touch is the last thing they want. Instead, respect her need for space and communicate your feelings in a loving way.

What does the birthing mama go through and how can you support her? (part 1)

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we look at supporting the birthing mamma.