As a birthing mother, a mere glance at the heading of this article may well ruffle your feathers. You may be thinking, “erm, excuse me! I have enough to take care of, and now I have to understand what my partner is going through as well? You must be joking!!”

We totally hear you! But please know that this information is not intended to make you feel guilty or responsible for your partner’s experience. This is merely an attempt to provide some insight into your partner’s world in the hope that it will help you, your partner, and of course, your precious little baby navigate this transition with greater ease.

If anything, our research into the non-birthing partner’s experience may even help to dispel some of the resentment you may be feeling towards them; resentment about the parental duties only you can do and resentment over having a huge life-changing transformation of both body and mind that they may not be able to fully understand.

But while your partner’s challenges may seem pale in comparison to yours, they do still have their own unique set of difficulties that you may not fully be aware of - not yet, at least.

So let’s shed some light on what non-birthing partners may experience in the first year of your baby’s life.

How can I best understand and support my non-birthing partner?

Feeling left out

From antenatal classes that are limited to working hours, meaning that most working partners can’t attend, to very short and often unpaid paternity leave, it’s no wonder that both parents share the feeling that there is a huge inequality between birthing partners and non-birthing partners (regardless of gender). While you as a new mama may feel like your partner is not doing as much as they could, it’s helpful to remember that society doesn’t exactly make it easy for them.

Financial worries: Expectations to provide

Financial fear is huge for new non-birthing partners. Again, this speaks to a societal expectation that non-birthing partners need to support and provide for the family, which can put huge pressure on a new non-birthing parent, especially if they are not in a secure position financially, to begin with. While conflict around money is very normal for new parents, it can help to have regular conversations about where you’re at financially and how you can compromise in a way that you both feel supported.

Feeling guilty and useless

No matter how much the non-birthing partner wants to be involved and make intentional and willing sacrifices to support the new mum and baby, they are likely to feel like they are never doing enough to support them. This is also coupled with the guilt they feel for what their partner has gone through during labour and birth recovery, and knowing that they are simply unable to help with mum duties such as breastfeeding in the early hours. As much as non-birthing partners want to share these duties, during these early stages, there are certain things only the birthing mother can do. With this in mind, ask yourself how you could share the duties more. What can your partner help you with in regards to baby care?

Feeling like they are doing everything wrong

This is usually compounded by birthing mamas feeling like their partners are in fact doing everything wrong. Many new mums will look with a cautious eye when their partner is handling the baby. But there is a reason for this. Because the bond is generally so strong between mother and baby, having started 9 months before the birth, a mother is often the first to know what her baby needs, how they need to be handled, and how to soothe and feed them. So it’s no surprise that a non-birthing partner might not be as well versed with their baby’s needs, especially at the beginning. And it’s also no surprise that mamas feel that their partner isn’t “doing it right”. While it’s easy to focus on what they are doing wrong or what they’re not doing, focus on what they are doing right and what they do do. And be clear (and kind) in your communication about what you need from them. Remember, they want to be more involved and they definitely want to get it right!

Feeling neglected of your affection

It’s no surprise that the abrupt transference of attention to the baby post-birth can make a non-birthing partner feel neglected and starved of the affection they once received from you. They may also struggle to recognise the new you – the you that’s a mother – adding to the isolation they feel. While the new addition to your family takes up most – if not all – of your time, remember that you still have a romantic relationship to feed and nurture too. Express gratitude for your partner's actions even if you don’t feel like they are meeting your needs. For your partner to feel seen and heard it’s important to acknowledge what they are doing right. Also, a “thank you for being here, thank you for loving me” goes a long way. If your partner feels appreciated, they will do more for you to appreciate. It’s a win-win!

Now we’ve explored a few challenges that the non-birthing partner experiences, let’s take a quick look at the challenges specific to men.

What do men experience?

Contrary to popular belief, most fathers want to be involved right from the beginning. But society is still trying to catch up with this idea of a growing mutual desire to share responsibilities, which can make it hard for fathers to feel like they are doing enough.

It also tends to be an ongoing societal joke that men don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to the baby. Many men report feeling that they’re treated like idiots when they accompany their women to baby-related appointments.

A government-funded study found that men with babies often feel ignored, ill-informed and unsupported by health professionals, despite their desire to be involved from the get-go. This poses the question, what kind of society do you want to create and what message do you want to feed? Do you want to feed the message that men are stupid and don’t know how to look after the baby? Or do you want to feed the message that men are competent, supportive, and necessary allies in raising kids? Let your words and actions align with the society you want to create.

What does the non-birthing partner go through and how can you support them?

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we look at supporting the father or other non-birthing partner.