Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 9 and 10 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

What is my conflict style and how is it affecting my relationship?

Have you ever wondered what style of conflict you adopt during triggering moments? Do you tend to blame and criticise your partner? Do you become sarcastic and defensive? Do you shut down and give your partner the silent treatment? Or do you vacillate between all of these depending on the situation? Although everyone has their own unique way of dealing with conflict, if the negative aspects of these reactions are allowed to run rampant, they can be lethal to your relationship (and to the example you are setting for your little ones!).

It’s very important to identify not only your own response to conflict but also that of your partner. By identifying each other’s conflict styles you’ll be better equipped for dealing with conflict and you’ll be able to give each other what you need before things spiral out of control.

To help you identify your conflict style, take a look at the following explanations, which will hopefully offer some useful insights!

What are the most common conflict styles?

Criticism

Criticism is a way of expressing negative feelings and opinions about your partner’s character, rather than about what they are doing. If your partner forgot to tidy the house when it was their turn, a criticising statement might be, “You’re always so forgetful” or “You’re so lazy.”

This is probably the most common conflict style that each of us falls into at one point or another. The more triggered someone is, the more they feel like attacking and blaming the other person’s character. Two very common criticism statements to look out for include, “You never” and “You always”.

So, what can I do?

You will always have complaints about your partner. And that’s OK! That’s normal. The key here is to recognise the difference between complaint and criticism. A complaint refers to a situation you’re angry about, while criticism, by contrast, is a negative comment about your partner’s character. Complaints are fine, criticism is harmful. So instead of saying “You’re always so forgetful, you’re an idiot” say to your partner, “I’m angry that you forgot to tidy the house”.

Blame

Unlike criticism, which finds fault in someone's character or personality, blame finds fault in someone’s action and abdicates responsibility by laying all fault at the other person’s feet. A typical blaming comment sounds like, “it’s all your fault,” or “I was late for work because you lost my car keys,” or “you just don’t care about this family.”

Repeated blame can mean that the other person is left feeling inadequate, unsupported and alone. Blaming circumstances is one thing, but blaming people, especially the people we love when something doesn’t work out the way we want it to, is something very different. And it can be damaging to your relationship.

So, what can I do?

First of all, remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent! We make mistakes, and it’s important to make room for each other to make mistakes. Blame avoids taking responsibility and also means you don’t have to be vulnerable. When you feel the urge to blame your partner, identify the vulnerability underneath the blame and express it to your partner. You can be angry at something your partner has done, and that’s fine! But that anger is yours. And if you need a moment to calm down or soothe before having a conversation with your partner, say that you’re feeling angry and you need a moment.

Sarcasm and cynicism

Sarcasm and cynicism arise from a sense of superiority over your partner. A belittling tone is used to make your partner feel ‘less than’ and is a form of disrespect. For example, your partner feels tired and needs to sit down when your baby needs a bath. A sarcastic response may look like eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humour, or even name-calling - for example, “Aw, does Mr/Mrs lazy-boots need a break from all the “sitting around” they’ve been doing today?” This type of response conveys disgust and is extremely harmful to your relationship. If your partner feels like you are disgusted with them, there is no hope for resolving conflict.

So, what can I do?

If you are prone to sarcasm and cynicism when you’re triggered, understand that underneath is a vulnerability that is not being expressed. Instead of expressing and taking responsibility for what’s really going on, you are trying to put your partner down to compensate for the discomfort you feel. The best thing you can do is be aware that your sarcasm is a defence mechanism and try to identify the need underneath. Pausing before responding can be useful in helping you become more conscious during communication instead of just reacting to the feeling. Try and express what you really feel underneath - for instance, express that “When you don’t help me with the baby, I feel so unsupported and unloved”, instead of layering your feelings with cutting remarks. When your emotions are feeling less heightened, always make sure you make amends for any hurt you cause.

Defensiveness

Another conflict style that often crops up is defensiveness. As the word suggests, it’s an approach people use to defend themselves against a real or perceived threat. If you are prone to defensiveness, it’s helpful to be aware of the different types. One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” response which has an underlying message that says, “I can’t do anything right, stop picking on me!” Defensiveness is also a mechanism used to protect yourself against your partner’s criticism. They attack, so you either defend or attack them back. But defensiveness in all its guises just escalates conflict, which is why it needs to be nipped in the bud as early as possible before it becomes damaging to your relationship.

So, what can I do?

Defensiveness doesn’t just occur when your partner is criticising you. It happens when you’re criticising yourself. So, defensiveness serves to protect you from underlying feelings of inferiority. The best thing to do is observe the situations that usually trigger your defences so you’re better prepared next time. For example, if you’re aware that you usually get defensive when your partner is asking something from you, take a moment to breathe and pause before responding. If your partner is attacking or criticising you, express the discomfort you feel and invite them to speak to you in a more loving way.

Withdrawing or “checking out”

Instead of hurling abuse or making snide remarks, some people swing in the opposite direction and withdraw or shut down. Another name for this is “stonewalling” and it can take on many forms, one of which is going silent. Withdrawal happens when the emotion is too overwhelming so you end up shutting down or withdrawing to deal with it. You feel physiologically “flooded” and respond by going completely numb emotionally. You are very reluctant to engage with your partner in any way and need space. In fact, sometimes you may feel yourself withdrawing and not know exactly why. You could be in the middle of an argument and feel yourself withdraw, disengage, look away and stop responding. This response can be uncomfortable for your partner, as you’ve completely shut them out.

So, what can I do?

The key here is to lovingly disengage. When you feel flooded and are unable to participate in the conversation any longer, do your best to communicate that you’ve noticed yourself shut down and that you need some space. People who withdraw usually just need a bit of time to process their emotions before they can see clearly and feel able to respond in a healthy way. Remember, it’s painful for your partner when you shut them out, so try and communicate what you’re experiencing and tell them that you need some time to process. It may be hours or even days before you’re ‘out of the woods’, so try to reassure your partner during this time that you’re momentarily separating yourself, for both you and them, and will be able to connect again soon.

What is my conflict style and how is it affecting my relationship? (part 1)

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Relationship Journey, we share how new parents can manage their conflict styles for a stronger bond.