Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 11 and 12 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

Why do we keep arguing about the same things and what can we do about it?

Do you have problems in your relationship that never seem to be resolved? Do you keep arguing about the same things again and again as if you’re on a merry-go-round you can’t get off? Well, you’re certainly not alone.

It is very common for couples to keep arguing about the same things, especially now kids are in the picture. In fact, it’s the most normal thing in the world! But we know, it can be extremely irritating.

Ultimately these recurring problems stem from fundamental differences that are embedded in all of us. These include personality traits, lifestyle choices and differences in needs and values. Although these characteristics very much shape who you are, as you’d probably agree, they can often rub you both the wrong way!

That being said, when we choose a partner, we are also choosing a set of problems, because all relationships have their problems. But what exacerbates these problems, however, is stress and exhaustion because we then lack the energy to calmly cope with them. So, it’s no surprise that when you have a baby, all these differences that you previously acknowledged and accepted, suddenly don’t feel as acceptable!

The key to handling recurring problems is learning how to create a dialogue around these issues. And the key to creating a dialogue is to accept our partners as they are, with all their limitations and quirky behaviours.

So, let's explore what recurring issues come up in most relationships.

How do we discover our recurring issues?

Issues that come up again and again, have a lot to do with how we grew up. For example, if one partner grew up with a parent who did all of the housework, and the other grew up in a home full of siblings all tasked with several household chores, the tidiness of the house will very likely become a point of contention.

Here are some examples of recurring problems that include fundamental differences in your personalities and/or lifestyle needs.

Differences in tidiness – one of you is tidy and organised while the other is messy and disorganised.

Differences in how you express your emotions – one of you is emotionally expressive while the other is not.
Differences in wanting time together – one of you wants to spend more time together while the other needs more alone time.
Differences in the preferred amount of sex – one of you wants to have sex more often than the other.
Differences in how you view finances – one of you is more frugal and worries about finances while the other is a big spender and lives for the moment.
Differences in how you view household chores and parental duties – one of you believes that labour should be equally divided while the other doesn’t.
Differences in how you discipline the children – one of you is more strict than the other.
Differences in punctuality – one of you likes to be on time while the other is habitually late.
Differences in activity level – one of you is more physically active while the other is more sedentary.
Differences in being around people – one of you loves socialising and is more extroverted while the other prefers to stay at home and is more introverted.

Differences in decision-making – one of you has no problem making decisions while the other is more indecisive.

Differences in religious or spiritual beliefs – one of you values spiritual and religious principles more than the other.

Differences in values and lifestyle choices – there are big differences in your values and the way you choose to live your life.

And of course, there are many, many more.

As we mentioned earlier, the way to find peace with these perpetual problems is to create a dialogue around them. Without the ability to dialogue, a couple can become stuck and completely numbed of connection and affection so that they eventually drift apart. And we certainly don’t want that to happen to you!

The goal is to find a way to accept the problem and your partner’s preference but also set the intention for change. Nothing can change if you decide that your partner is wrong. If instead, you can accept your partner's beliefs and lifestyle choices, you’ll pave the way for finding solutions, not problems. And if you add a little humour and laughter to the mix, your perpetual problem won’t just be manageable, but also a point of enjoyment and fun in the relationship.

So, let’s take a look at some ways to handle these recurring problems in your relationship.

How do we deal with recurring problems?

Voice your differences without blame and judgement. Gently ask for change but be prepared to make adjustments and compromise for the sake of the relationship.

Understand their childhood. Ask your partner, “Is there a story behind this for you? What does this remind you of?” For example, your partner’s annoyance about your overspending could be linked to their parents' bankruptcy when they were growing up. Or the fact that your partner isn’t as expressive emotionally could suggest they have judgement about showing their emotions (maybe showing emotions was seen as ‘weak’ in their family’s household). Be curious and try to delicately dig beneath the surface in a respectful way. Never force your partner to share more than they are comfortable sharing.

See these recurring problems as a way to share your values and dreams. There is always a story behind the way we feel about a certain issue. But for that story to be understood, the listener must be a curious ally, not a criticising or judgemental opponent.

Focus on understanding who your partner is and be curious about their stance on this issue, without trying to persuade them or get them to see what you see (you can share your stance later). What are their values, beliefs and experiences? What makes them tick? What dreams do they have?

Take it in turns to express your thoughts and feelings on a particular point of contention. And when you’re the listener, be sure to ask questions about your partner’s values, dreams and childhood history.

If you’re the speaker: Describe the dream or desire that lies beneath the issue. What do you really want and why is it important to you? Does your childhood history play a part in how you feel about this? Try to be as open and honest as you can.

If you’re the listener: Make sure your partner feels safe. Reassure them that you are there to listen and know more about why this is important to them. Ask questions one at a time, without interrupting, and really listen to the answer. Don’t judge and don’t try to solve the problem. Tell your partner how you can support them with this dream or desire.

Honour each other's dreams and desires and discuss how you can support each other. Discuss your areas of flexibility and where you have common ground. Honouring your partner's dreams doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own. It means that you are doing an amazing job of trying to make peace and accept the differences between you so you can then find a compromise that feels good for both of you.

These problems will likely resurface again, but by committing to dialoguing about them every time they come up, you will keep getting better at finding solutions that work for you both.

Why do we keep arguing about the same things and what can we do about it? (part 2)

From Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey, we share how new mums and dads can stop having the same fight time and again.