Editor’s Note: This article by Natalie Mossayebi complements Episode 7 and 8 of Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.

Why is co-regulation even more important when you’re parents?

When you haven’t slept for 5 days, the baby’s screaming non-stop, and your partner is snapping at you, it’s easy for your nervous system to become overwhelmed and respond with frustration, anger and blame.

While responding from an activated nervous system seems like the only thing to do in times of stress, it will only serve to escalate tension and friction between you and your partner, and over time, if the reactivity continues, can erode connection and intimacy.

However, by finding ways of regulating your nervous system and that of your partner, you can bring calm to moments of tension and respond in ways that create more ease and harmony within the relationship.

These co-regulation rituals help to soothe you in moments of stress and also serve as a preventive measure to support you during the inevitable moments of family chaos.

A great starting point when practicing co-regulation as a couple is to ‘ritualise’ moments of transition, such as going to sleep, separations and reunions. Let’s explain what we mean.

What do we mean by “ritualising” moments of transition?

When we talk about transitions, we’re not referring to those big life changes, such as moving house, changing jobs or having another baby. We’re talking about the little transitions that happen throughout the day, every day - getting into bed beside your partner, going to sleep, leaving the house, or heading out to work. So, why is it important to ritualise these small transitions?

The importance of ritualising moments of transition is seen more clearly when you look at the attention you give your children. For example, you’ll likely drop them off at school with a hug, say goodnight with a kiss, or change a diaper with a great big smile on your face and a little tickle; this extra attention reassures your little ones that they are loved and cared for.

Your partner needs that love and reassurance too! Although your baby – who needs your constant care – will have quickly become the most important thing in your life, it’s crucial to adapt your level of care and attention to include your partner.

So, the best way to soothe each other’s nervous systems is to ritualise these transitional daily moments. But how do you go about this?

Let’s explore a couple of examples.

How can I soothe my nervous system during transitions?

Create a ritual for ‘hellos and goodbyes’

How do you and your partner say hello and goodbye to each other? For your hello and goodbye ritual you may want to include kisses, long hugs, fist bumps, high fives, or something quirky that’s specific to your unique connection with your partner. Even if you are in the middle of your daily duties when your partner gets home, take a moment to greet them in your unique way. If you get interrupted, perhaps by a tantrum or a diaper emergency, then do your ritual as soon as you’re able.

Bring the day to a close together with a goodnight ritual

For your goodnight ritual, you may want to name something you’re grateful for, touch forehead to forehead while breathing, give each other a mini back rub, read a story, or have a round of big spoon little spoon. As long as it helps soothe you both to sleep, your goodnight ritual can include anything you like. If you don’t go to sleep together, perhaps because you or your partner stays up late working, then visit your partner where they are working, or ask them to visit you in bed for the goodnight ritual.

As well as ritualising moments of transition, another great way to co-regulate with your partner is to carve out 5 minutes each day to restore intimate connection.

THE 5-MINUTE RECONNECTION RITUAL

It’s easy to lose the intimate connection when you become parents. With so many things on your “to-do” list, intimately connecting with your partner isn’t usually something you always make time for. The good news is that you can deepen and restore your intimate connection with only five minutes of intentional co-regulation.

This exercise helps you to fine-tune your awareness of each other and rediscover your partner in a whole new light!

Find a moment when you have no distractions (for example, when the baby is asleep). We recommend placing phones on flight mode and out of reach so that you’re completely distraction-free.

Sit opposite your partner with your knees touching or no more than two feet away from each other. Set your timer for 5 minutes (you may wish to extend this depending on your nervous system needs).

Gaze at each other, observing without speaking. The key is to be curious about your partner, noticing each part of their face. Notice what it feels like to be fully seen by your partner. It’s normal to feel nervous or a bit silly, so don’t worry if you or your partner need to let out a little giggle. Just keep breathing when tension or nerves arise and steady yourself by looking into your partner’s eyes.

When the timer goes off, have a gesture for transitioning out of the experience. Maybe it’s a smile or a head nod or reaching out to gently squeeze each other’s hands.

After your ritual, you may want to discuss with your partner what you noticed and how you felt during the experience. What did it feel like to observe and be observed? And what, if anything, did you newly discover about your partner?

Try to implement this ritual into your daily life. Sometimes you won’t always feel like it, but usually, that’s when you need it the most! You can also do this ritual when your baby is with you as it’s great for them to observe you connect in this intimate way.

Why is co-regulation even more important when you’re parents? (part 1)

Discover co-regulation for new parents on Unii’s Love, Sex and Parenting Journey.