However your sexual life looked before you had your baby, it will likely change afterwards. Even though the doctor will give you the go-ahead to start having sex again six weeks postpartum, you may feel far from recovered from childbirth and nowhere near ready to have sex.

In the weeks following birth, you may look down at your postpartum body, unable to recognise it. In one moment, you may be filled with pride about making a tiny human inside your body; in another moment, living in a body that feels so foreign to you may even feel unbearable.

What are the reasons why I might not feel like having sex?

If you gave birth vaginally, you might worry you’re a little “loose” or may feel dry. A caesarean-section scar may be healed but still visible and quite tender. Your breasts may be leaking, and your hormones are still on overdrive.
Emotionally, mentally, and physically, you probably don’t feel like yourself and are likely feeling “over-touched” and exhausted from caring for the baby all day. With all this in mind, it’s easy to see why many women don’t feel as “hot” or turned on as they used to.

There may also be evolutionary reasons for diminished interest in sex in the first year postpartum; you’re focusing on caring for your baby, leaving less time for other pursuits, especially those that could produce another baby for you to care for.
Cuddling, holding, and breastfeeding your baby releases oxytocin in the brain, which is the same chemical released during an orgasm. If you're getting it from your baby, you may not want or need it from sex.

If you’re not having sex, your partner isn’t getting the benefit of these oxytocin surges, so they may look for more intimacy with you. While they may not be aware of feeling rejected or envious of the baby, they may subtly express dissatisfaction by staying away from home. This might look like spending more time than usual on their phone or “eating their feelings”, which explains why many non-birthing partners gain weight at the beginning of parenthood.

It’s healthy to hold onto your identities as lovers as well as partners and parents. But if you don’t feel like having sex, there are plenty of creative ways to have a sexual connection that don’t involve sex.

How can you be creative about sex postpartum?

Use communication as foreplay. Before you and your partner have sex for the first time after childbirth, share how you’re feeling with your partner. Your partner may be feeling the same way too. Talk about what you feel ready for, and remember that there are so many other options besides penetration. Let your partner know what you need so you can feel comfortable, and be prepared for it to feel awkward at first. But with patience, humour, and curiosity, you’ll figure it out.
Skin-to-skin contact. If you’re not ready for genital touching just yet, consider having a shower with your partner or spooning without your clothes on. You can also massage each other and enjoy sensuality without the end goal of having an orgasm.
Embrace being a giver. If you don’t want any kind of sexual stimulation, ask your partner if you can pleasure them without reciprocation.
Practice praising yourself first. If you’re concerned that sex will be painful, practice experimenting on yourself first by using your fingers or a vibrator to test how it feels. Being in control while masturbating can help you gauge your sexual responsiveness.
Turn yourself on. Even if it feels like you have no time for it, make yourself feel sexy—for you! What made you feel sexy before having a baby? A new hairdo? Sexy lingerie? Find an outfit that compliments your current shape and own it!
Use lube. Vaginal dryness is very common postpartum, so using lube is definitely a good idea when starting to have sex again.
Sort the baby out before having sex. Once the baby has been fed, bathed, and put to bed, you don't have to spend your time worrying about their needs and can focus on being present with your partner.

What should I know about returning to my sexual life postpartum?

When can you start having sex after birth? Plus, more on postpartum intimacy.